Lockdown 2.0, Days 56, 57 and 58

 I've spent the last few days oscillating between feeling anxious and feeling really flat. A bit disappointing after feeling so good on Tuesday afternoon, but it is what it is and I have let myself feel whatever I needed to at the time. I haven't felt like writing so I allowed myself some time off, I've focussed on doing things that I love and that feel right, and I knew I'd be back eventually. 2 long phone calls with friends today (one who I hadn't talked to for a couple of years) and a text conversation entirely in haiku with another friend really helped - I laughed a lot (especially at the haikus) and relaxed and am feeling more positive now.

Wednesday morning (seems so long ago!) was pretty good, I got a fair bit down around the house and on the computer, and had a long chat to Mum. Caitlin and I went to the post office and called in at the Chocolate Factory to get some more presents for people. I did some research on what was new car options. In the late afternoon Tony took me to Healesville to pick up my car - I chatted to the mechanics about the type of car I might buy and got some useful information. The know the receptionist at the mechanics and we had a long chat before I headed home. On the way I saw a baby masked Lapwing trying to cross the road and I was worried it might get hit so I stopped - there were 2 parents and 4 babies, and the parents were desperately trying to keep the babies from going on the road. When they were on the road they were too little to easily jump back up the gutter to the safety of the grass, so it was pandemonium. One of the babies got knocked over by the slipstream of a car going past, but after a tumble he got up and ran back to his parents and seemed fine. I'd tried to help herd them off the road, then one of the parents decided I was a threat and came at me, so I left them to it (everyone was back on the grass by then and heading away from the road so I think they were safe). The babies were so cute and their fluffy round bodies were backlit by the sun - I'm so happy that I saw it. 

I went for a late, brisk walk when I got home and saw the full moon rising over the mountains - very cool! I did more car research after dinner and suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and anxious, so I went to bed. I was awake for hours in the night (Winky woke me up to tell me she'd caught a mouse, and I couldn't quieten my mind enough to get back to sleep). After a while I got up and did some tidying in the kitchen, and some writing, and some photography work, then played games on my phone for a bit and eventually settled back into bed and to sleep. I woke later than usual and my anxiety was there but muted, and I kind of fell into a day of feeling bleugh. I was just over the whole lockdown thing, I am missing my friends, I don't think I can handle another week and a half of stage 4 but I have to really, there's no other option, and I don't think Stage 3 will be much different for us anyway... It just all felt too hard and I know the kids are finding it hard too so I was also feeling overwhelmed by their worries about it. I had a good chat with a friend which helped calm me a little. I did some more work on cleaning out the wardrobe in my room, and actually felt like I made some progress. In the afternoon the kids and I played Dixit which was fun - everyone is really emotional so there was lots of laughing and a bit of tears as well. I talked to Mum - Dad had chemo in the morning so it was good to get an update (he's feeling ok, tired, a bit grumpy. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it all but I do like talking to them regularly). I did some of my course and some photo work and headed to bed fairly early.

I slept fitfully so woke up still pretty tired today, although it was nice not to be up for hours. I still felt flat but the anxiety had mainly gone. I caught up on some dishes, chatted to Amelie and Liam, then chatted to a friend on the phone while I weeded the garden. I worked a bit more in the bedroom, then had a wonderful 2 hour chat to an old friend. Caitlin and Liam went for a bike ride and started to help Amelie learn to ride Liam's old bike. Throughout the day I was sending and receiving haikus to a friend and they really made me laugh and helped to ground me. I felt much much better this afternoon and went for a mid-length walk and listened to my audio book. Luna ran off as we rounded the dam, and bailed up the big (BIG!!) male kangaroo over near the creek. I went over to try to distract her but I was pretty scared of him and he looked like he could head for me at any moment. They were at a standoff for a while then he charged her - he had his front claws out and if he'd caught her it would have been nasty. She avoided him then chased him into the dam - I'd already rung Tony and he and Caitlin drove down in the vineyard ute to get her - usually she can be distracted by the car. She reluctantly got in and was a bit sheepish when everyone was angry at her - but once back in the yard she was staring intently at the roos in the vines like she was ready to go again... I cooked dinner and then had a bath and a glass of wine, Tony watched the Collingwood game. I'm feeling pretty relaxed now although I have a headache so looking forward to sleep and a new day tomorrow.

Lockdown 2.0, Day 24

Just under 400 cases today. It’s alarming the first reaction I have is one of relief. It’s still so high, but it’s not six or  seven hundred, so I feel relieved and then disheartened. It’s a long way back to normal from here.

I slept badly (had Amelie and the cat in my space for most of the night) but woke up feeling pretty good. I had some more alarming bleeding but talked to the doctor and she has a bit of a plan for going forward so I feel like there might be an end to this at some point. I’m working on the emotional side of it - trying to let go of control a bit and relax into what is actually happening in my life and hopefully that will help. 

I was able to do a bit more today, a bit of work outside and organising a few things inside. Still spent a lot of time on the couch, watching tv with the girls, or on my bed chatting on the phone to mum and to a friend. Tony was home (because it’s Saturday) and it was nice to have him around to chat to as well. My mood was good for most of the day then I crashed in the late afternoon. Had a shower then did some writing and photo stuff in bed. I feel a bit better now, hoping I get a good night’s sleep.

Lockdown 2.0, Day 17

Numbers in the 300s today. So stable-ish but still not great. Number of deaths is increasing and the ages of people in hospitals is getting lower - both are bad.

I was overwhelmed by everything today. Housework, talking to people, thinking about what to do - all too hard. I had a nice long shower and spent a couple of hours on the couch checking email, reading stuff, doing quizzes etc. I worked outside for a while which always clears my head and I enjoy listening to my book while I do it (currently up to Book 5 of the Alcatraz and the Evil Librarians series). I caught up on all the dishes while I listened to my favourite music - felt good to get that done. Caitlin trimmed my hair for me then brushed and braided it - I like this little routine we've added to our days. The girls and I went for a walk in the late afternoon. I slowed them down a fair bit because I took my camera and took a lot of photos.It was another really beautiful afternoon - and we saw the lambs next door (at a distance. The kids saw them close up yesterday when they went for their walk). I lay down after our walk and played with my photos for a few hours.

I have been feeling guilty lately because I've not found lockdown too hard - I've enjoyed lots of aspects of it (especially the first one, not this one as much) - and so many people are finding it really hard. Then I have days when I find it hard, and I feel guilty because I do have it pretty easy, my time is my own to choose how to spend it, I'm not busy or under pressure. But really I do think it's ok to make the most of this time and enjoy it if I can, and it's also ok to have days (or weeks) where it's difficult - being at home all the time, helping to keep the kids' emotional health high, can take a toll. And this is my usual work environment - normally I'm very comfortable with the idea that my job is a full time home-educator mum. That hasn't changed because there is a pandemic. That's still my job and some days are trickier than others. I'm hoping that having a bit of a rest today will help me feel better tomorrow - if not, I'll take it easy for as long as I need to.

More thoughts on life is good

A couple of mornings ago I was questioning my position on feeling that life is good at the moment. I was exhausted from being sick for so long, and from looking after the rest of my family who were also still sick. It felt like we were never going to get better. I kept coughing and was short of breath and woke up feeling teary about everything. I was cranky with Tony and managing JUST to not be snappy with the kids, but felt like everything they asked was too hard. And things that I had been coping ok with suddenly seemed like big disasters. Emails I'd been meaning to send that I'd put off because we were sick, felt urgent now and I felt like a failure for not getting them out earlier. The housework that I had left for later because we were sick was suddenly staring at me and telling me I was a terrible housewife. I hadn't been playing with the kids as much as I would have liked so thought perhaps I wasn't doing such a great job of homeschooling. A situation with a good friend which is currently far from ideal suddenly made me cry just thinking about it. I banged my head on the kitchen cupboard and cried for a good while. Everything made me cry.

I had a small moment of thinking that everything was terrible and life was not, in fact, good at the moment - then I thought a bit more and realised that I was simply tired and sick and that life was still great, but it was ok to have a down day when things weren't going so well. I could see that I would feel better sometime (soon, I hoped) and I would be able to get to the emails, housework and games with the kids once we all had more energy and I felt up to it. I could apologise to Tony for my cranky mood and we could keep working together to make our home a happy and mainly peaceful place. The  situation with my friend is sad, and I can feel that sadness and hope that things change, without it detracting from my general joy in the world and my life. And having a good cry helped me feel so much better, and stopped me spending the day in an anxious state (which is what often happens if I try to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling upset and I need to just get on with my day).

I rested a lot that day (I was sick of resting, but figured I obviously needed more) and by the end of the day felt better physically and emotionally. In fact by dinner time I felt quite ecstatic emotionally, I was bouncy and happy and friendly and no longer felt like snapping at anyone. Stuff that had annoyed me no end the night before now seemed like just a normal part of our life and something that I could happily help out with (I can't even remember what it was, something that someone needed help with - grumpy me had thought 'wow, can't anyone do anything for themselves, why do I have to do everything?', happy me thought 'Sure, I know how to do that, I'm happy to help.'

2 days later I'm feeling much better physically. We were able to go out and do our usual Wednesday activities yesterday. I have caught up on a lot of the emails, bills, and housework that had been left to wait. I played with the kids yesterday when they wanted me to (on the iPad and building Lego). And I feel so grateful that I'm learning how to be more grateful for my life and the good things in it and I can now feel confident when I'm low, that things are definitely going to pick up, and probably soon.

Good-byes

I've been wanting to write this post for over a month now. Its a difficult post to write because its about loss and grief - so I've been putting it off, then whenever I tried to write a more upbeat post it didn't seem as important as this one so nothing has been written for a while.

About 7 weeks ago we let Stripey the kitten outside in the morning, and we haven't seen him since. I didn't notice on that first day that he wasn't around - he was often out for several hours at a time or sleeping somewhere inside or out for many many hours, so it just didn't click that I hadn't seen him at all. That night, and for the next several days, we called and searched everywhere we could think of. I did night time walks around the dam and through the vines, I tried to get Buckley to sniff him out (he had a lovely time chasing rabbits on our night time wanderings) and we looked through all the sheds and in the trees...

I was worried from the moment I realised he was missing and worry soon turned to devastation. The kids were a bit worried but were sure he was coming back. Caitlin and some friends of mine who had had cats disappear then turn up later kept my hopes up for about a week, but I was still grieving pretty hard during that time and for the week or 2 afterwards. Now I feel more of a dull ache when I think about him and what a wonderful kitten he was - one of the best cats I've ever met and it feels so unfair that we had him for such a short time.

Its been interesting to watch the different ways the kids have managed compared to myself. I was in a fog of grief and cried everytime I thought about him. The kids all had a brief moment of tears because they missed him, then went back to assuming that he's off having fun somewhere else and he may come back one day. Well, the girls assume that, Liam started packing his things away after his tears because 'we don't have a cat anymore'.
They do still miss him and will sometimes wish he was here, but they seemed to process their grief more effectively and it hasn't impacted on their lives negatively. One more emotion that they are experiencing among many, rather than the overwhelming way in which I seem to experience grief.

I wonder if this is because they have always been free to express their emotions, both positive and negative, so they are so much more present with how they are feeling and don't feel any need to pretend - so feelings are processed as they occur. As adults I think we can sometimes spend more energy pretending to be fine and so the emotions come out later in other ways and need to keep coming out until they have been fully expressed. I hope that the 3 of them continue to feel comfortable enough with their emotions that they are always able to be present with and true to what they are feeling. And I hope I continue to learn from them how to do the same.

I think that the fact that Stripey is not the first loss they have faced also helped them put it in perspective. They know that animals and people do not live forever and sometimes we find ourselves saying goodbye before we are ready. Since Caitlin was born we have lost animals, (this is the first beloved pet though, the others were goats and chickens - although the loss of our baby chick and her mum was pretty upsetting), family members, unborn babies and of course lived through the loss and devastation of the Black Saturday bushfires in 2009. Sometimes it hurts me to think of how much these kids have taken on in terms of loss and grief - but then I look at how they handle it and it has given them a very real perspective and understanding of death and as it has always been part of their lives they aren't frightened of the idea of people dying. They are not insensitive about it, they still have moments of being very upset about Tony's Mum and Stripey and the babies... but they also talk about them very matter-of-factly and accept the deaths/disappearances as part of their life.

I think that's the key. They don't 'move on' as if these things didn't happen, they seem more to absorb them into their lives, cry about them when they need to, talk about them when they want to, and its now all part of who they are. I know that last year when I really took the time to grieve about my lost baby I processed it so much better than other times when I have tried to pretend I was fine, and now although I am still sad every day that he's not with us, the grief doesn't consume me and I can be around other babies, other pregnancies, and not feel like I'm missing out on something.

I hope I can continue to remember that. That the baby, and Stripey, and the other people we know who have died were an important part of our lives and have enriched us, and we can grieve for them for as long as we need to, without having to become bitter or resentful or depressed, and we can continue to live joyful, content lives even while experiencing grief.

And Caitlin and Millie still talk about Stripey in the present tense and are patiently waiting for him to return. And who knows. They might be right.