Thursday 3 January 2019

Working in the background

Yesterday I was walking the dogs, like I do most mornings. I had Luna on a long lead - it's an 8m lunge lead, meant for horses. I like using it because she can still run around a lot, go in the dam if she wants to, explore lots and feel like she's free to run, while she's actually still attached to me and can't run off. Buckley doesn't need a lead - he is mainly content to just trot along nearby whoever is walking. (The only time no lead is a problem for him is when we meet a tractor or car on the paths. His partial deafness and partial blindness and general go-with-the-flow-ness means that he either doesn't know they are coming, or doesn't care. The only way I've found to get him out of their way is to swoop in and pick him up. I need to be careful about it though. If I come up too fast from behind, he thinks we're running now, and starts to run faster. If I come at him from the front, he thinks we're going the other way now, so he turns around and starts to run. I try to come at him quickly from the side - he usually can't see me coming from that direction, and I can grab him before he changes speed or course).

Anyway. Neither Buckley or Luna are aware of the long lead that Luna is attached to, or it's consequences. Luna runs back and forwards across the path, doubles back if she sees something interesting, stops and starts and the lead follows along behind her, often catching Buckley around the back legs or across the head, as he just trots faithfully along. Yesterday (and most days now) I was changing my own course as we walked, so that there was less chance of the lead wiping Buckley out. I was thinking about how easy it is for me to do that, to just be in the background, without fuss, moving to a different side of the path, or flicking my wrist to move the lead over a dog, or whatever I need to do to keep both of them safe. It was just part of my walk and part of having a very old dog at the same time as having a very exuberant dog.

And from there I jumped to how I handle things with my kids and Tony. It's very similar, although sometimes I'm not quite so calm about it. I spend a lot of time surveying the scene, whatever is happening in our lives at each moment, and doing what needs to be done to keep everyone happy and safe. Liam doesn't like the feel or sound of certain fabrics, so I make sure I don't handle those fabrics near him (for example, I don't fold up my reusable bags when he's in the room, and when I'm buying clothes for him I check the feel of them and only buy if I know he'll be ok). Amelie is sensitive to noise so I always warn her before I turn any appliance on, and wait until she's ready (she leaves the room, or covers her ears, and sometimes she wants to finish doing something before she does either of those).  Tony has been getting frustrated with one of the cupboards in the kitchen, so I reorganised it so that things aren't falling out all the time. Caitlin gets flustered sometimes if people ask her a lot of direct questions, so I join in the conversation and deflect some of the comments to me instead.

There are 100s of little things I'll do in a week to help make everyone's life run more smoothly. This doesn't mean that I don't ever let anything upset anyone in my family. There are times when things don't go to plan, or happen without warning, and there are always disappointments in life. But that doesn't mean that when we have the ability to change things, we should just let the disappointment or discomfort happen because kids need to learn how to handle it.

While ever I am able, I am very happy to be there in the background, seamlessly and without needing affirmation, moving things around when I can so that everyone feels comfortable. I know my family well, and I know what things can upset or irritate them, so I can adjust the situation so that those irritants aren't happening or aren't a problem. It's certainly much easier to have tweaked things beforehand, than to have people upset and then work through that with them. Just like with the dogs, often no one knows that I'm doing anything, and I'm happy that everyone's life here can be a bit smoother, happier and more peaceful, and they don't need to know that things needed to be smoothed out. The added benefit of this is that I'm getting so much better at smoothing things out for myself rather than just accepting whatever happens, so everyone, including myself, is having a more comfortable life.