I've spent the last few days oscillating between feeling anxious and feeling really flat. A bit disappointing after feeling so good on Tuesday afternoon, but it is what it is and I have let myself feel whatever I needed to at the time. I haven't felt like writing so I allowed myself some time off, I've focussed on doing things that I love and that feel right, and I knew I'd be back eventually. 2 long phone calls with friends today (one who I hadn't talked to for a couple of years) and a text conversation entirely in haiku with another friend really helped - I laughed a lot (especially at the haikus) and relaxed and am feeling more positive now.
Wednesday morning (seems so long ago!) was pretty good, I got a fair bit down around the house and on the computer, and had a long chat to Mum. Caitlin and I went to the post office and called in at the Chocolate Factory to get some more presents for people. I did some research on what was new car options. In the late afternoon Tony took me to Healesville to pick up my car - I chatted to the mechanics about the type of car I might buy and got some useful information. The know the receptionist at the mechanics and we had a long chat before I headed home. On the way I saw a baby masked Lapwing trying to cross the road and I was worried it might get hit so I stopped - there were 2 parents and 4 babies, and the parents were desperately trying to keep the babies from going on the road. When they were on the road they were too little to easily jump back up the gutter to the safety of the grass, so it was pandemonium. One of the babies got knocked over by the slipstream of a car going past, but after a tumble he got up and ran back to his parents and seemed fine. I'd tried to help herd them off the road, then one of the parents decided I was a threat and came at me, so I left them to it (everyone was back on the grass by then and heading away from the road so I think they were safe). The babies were so cute and their fluffy round bodies were backlit by the sun - I'm so happy that I saw it.
I went for a late, brisk walk when I got home and saw the full moon rising over the mountains - very cool! I did more car research after dinner and suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and anxious, so I went to bed. I was awake for hours in the night (Winky woke me up to tell me she'd caught a mouse, and I couldn't quieten my mind enough to get back to sleep). After a while I got up and did some tidying in the kitchen, and some writing, and some photography work, then played games on my phone for a bit and eventually settled back into bed and to sleep. I woke later than usual and my anxiety was there but muted, and I kind of fell into a day of feeling bleugh. I was just over the whole lockdown thing, I am missing my friends, I don't think I can handle another week and a half of stage 4 but I have to really, there's no other option, and I don't think Stage 3 will be much different for us anyway... It just all felt too hard and I know the kids are finding it hard too so I was also feeling overwhelmed by their worries about it. I had a good chat with a friend which helped calm me a little. I did some more work on cleaning out the wardrobe in my room, and actually felt like I made some progress. In the afternoon the kids and I played Dixit which was fun - everyone is really emotional so there was lots of laughing and a bit of tears as well. I talked to Mum - Dad had chemo in the morning so it was good to get an update (he's feeling ok, tired, a bit grumpy. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it all but I do like talking to them regularly). I did some of my course and some photo work and headed to bed fairly early.
I slept fitfully so woke up still pretty tired today, although it was nice not to be up for hours. I still felt flat but the anxiety had mainly gone. I caught up on some dishes, chatted to Amelie and Liam, then chatted to a friend on the phone while I weeded the garden. I worked a bit more in the bedroom, then had a wonderful 2 hour chat to an old friend. Caitlin and Liam went for a bike ride and started to help Amelie learn to ride Liam's old bike. Throughout the day I was sending and receiving haikus to a friend and they really made me laugh and helped to ground me. I felt much much better this afternoon and went for a mid-length walk and listened to my audio book. Luna ran off as we rounded the dam, and bailed up the big (BIG!!) male kangaroo over near the creek. I went over to try to distract her but I was pretty scared of him and he looked like he could head for me at any moment. They were at a standoff for a while then he charged her - he had his front claws out and if he'd caught her it would have been nasty. She avoided him then chased him into the dam - I'd already rung Tony and he and Caitlin drove down in the vineyard ute to get her - usually she can be distracted by the car. She reluctantly got in and was a bit sheepish when everyone was angry at her - but once back in the yard she was staring intently at the roos in the vines like she was ready to go again... I cooked dinner and then had a bath and a glass of wine, Tony watched the Collingwood game. I'm feeling pretty relaxed now although I have a headache so looking forward to sleep and a new day tomorrow.
