Lockdown 2.0, Day 33

 Number of new cases going down, number of deaths going up. There's a whole confusion of emotions every time that happens. It's heartbreaking to think of the families of those people who have died, and I hope that the upward trend o deaths starts to change very soon.

Today I had energy all day, I didn't have to sit down and rest at all (although I made sure I stopped to eat and drink and chat rather than just be on the go all day). Liam and I played cards (Burn) in the morning - we were going to sit outside while I had my cup of tea because it was a beautiful sunny morning, but by the time my tea was ready it was foggy so we stayed inside. The fog didn't stop Amelie though, she was out on the trampoline in fog and sunshine. I got quite a bit done in the yard, the kitchen and my bedroom, catching up on some tidying up that I haven't felt up to for a while. I talked to Mum on the phone and reassured her that we can help with Dad's care if needed - taking him to appointments, picking up medication, talking on the phone, whatever will help. It's really hard for her to be caring for him without any practical support, I wish I could do more but it's a tricky, difficult time to be sick.

I had a lot of fun mounting one of my photos on mat board for a friend, and put together the rest of a care package for her, and a birthday present for my niece. Physically working with my photos for the first time in many many years was enjoyable and easier than I thought it would, and it brought back a lot of memories. I chatted with a friend on the phone and then went to Yarra Glen to post the gifts. I popped in to the the chemist and IGA while I was there - it was busier than I expected it to be, maybe I hit the coming home from work crowd (it wasn't crowded, but it felt more like a regular Monday afternoon (4.30pm ish) than I thought it would. Caitlin and I went for a walk once I was home - we got back after sunset, and there were some gorgeous views on a very clear evening as the sun went down.

I cooked a gnocchi vegetable bake for dinner then we all watched the Grand Final of Ninja Warrior (while Facetiming some friends who were also watching). There was lots of screaming at the TV and lots of nerves - one of our favourite ninjas (Ben Polson) completed the course and won the series - very very cool 

Lockdown 2.0, Day 32

I was enjoying being in a little news bubble (or maybe it's a no news bubble) - happily existing in our little family group and not being impacted by what was going on in the world beyond our driveway. I did see the numbers today when I was looking for something else (always dangerous to go near a news site if I don't want to see the news) - new cases below 400, but 17 deaths, so not good overall - but with no idea what the case numbers have been over the past few days, I was pleased to see that bit a tad lower. I'll keep up my news hiatus for a few more days and see how I'm feeling.

I slept really badly last night, so woke later than I'd planned. I'd wanted to go to Aldi at 8.30 and do an early morning shop - I left here after 9 and popped into Coles first, then the bakery, then did my main grocery shop at Aldi. It was pretty quiet and an enjoyable shop. Everyone was wearing masks, even the walkers I saw as I drove in and out of town. I was amazed at how much better I'm feeling this week than last - then I needed the girls to push the trolley and load and unload the groceries and I was still exhausted, today I was fine doing it all by myself. Back at home I worked in the yard for a while, chatted to Tony while I sorted our large pile of socks, then Amelie and I did some baking - she made snickerdoodles and I made waffles. I had a shower then a nap, then worked on my Facebook page for a while https://www.facebook.com/AnnieLouCreative/

I chatted to Tony's family on their Zoom call before going for a walk - I deliberately did not take my camera because I wanted to focus on walking and looking at the late afternoon sun - it was SO beautiful, the light was incredible - golden light with dark clouds to the north and east which created an amazing mood. (And I did wish I had my camera with me. I walked to the other side of the creek, I haven't done that for a few weeks and the trees over there have all grown a heap, the gap between trees and fence is much narrower than last time I was there. Luna loved all the smells, looks like there's been lots of animal activity over that side of the property (and we saw a fox).

Tone cooked a lamb roast for dinner - so delicious! We spent a bit of time trying to get my car started - I've been having battery problems and I ended up taking Tony's car to the shops this morning - it seems to be working ok now. We all watched Ninja Warrior together - 1st part of the Grand Final and a very exciting night to watch.

Lockdown 2.0, Day 28

Numbers were bad again today. Record number of cases and deaths in Victoria (725 and 15 respectively). The word is that it might get worse before it gets better. I know that it could take a while for each lot of new restrictions to have an impact. But numbers like that are hard to sit comfortably with.

Tony has his permit for work and there's a few changes in his workplace so that everyone has less contact with people. Caitlin and I have started taking our masks with us when we walk on the property, in case we have to talk to one of the vineyard guys (we'd mainly been walking after they left so it didn't matter, but we're walking in between the rain this week so it's been during working hours mainly.)

I had another good day today, even though I got tired easily and needed lots of rests. I played Kaboom with Amelie, had a great walk with Caitlin, chatted with Liam about the games he's been playing (mainly Getting Over It), watched Gilmore Girls (we're getting so close to the end), chatted with Mum and 2 different friends, worked on my photos and my course, had an afternoon bath and read my book. It was another cold day, with alternating rain and sun. Late in the afternoon Amelie saw a rainbow that looked like it was in the vineyard, so we went chasing it. As we got closer it was consumed by the rain clouds to the east - disappointing to lose the rainbow but it was so beautiful out there. The sun was shining from just above the western horizon, and there were thick grey clouds to the east and south, and there were water droplets on all surfaces. The three kids and I hung out towards the front of the property for a good while, talking, laughing, climbing trees (well, the kids climbed, I took photos of them and of the vines and mountains). The big kids went in and Amelie showed me her favourite places to climb and explore.

We had beef stroganof for tea and watched The Princess and the Frog then all headed towards bed.

How to be remembered

Last week I went to the funeral of the husband of a friend of mine. He had died, in his 80s, after being unwell for most of the past few years. I didn't know him well, had met him a few times, but my friend has been an influential and inspirational person in my life since we moved to Victoria 11 years ago. I first met her at a music session for kids that she was running, and we went to that session on and off for about 5 years. She provided childcare (in the next room so the kids could still come to us) at a mother's group we went to for a couple of years, and my kids loved being with her. We've worked on various children's programs and events together, including starting up a playgroup (which is still running even though both of us have moved on to other things). We see her regularly at the op shop where she volunteers, and down the street at other events around town, and she always has time to stop and chat to me and the kids, and I love listening to her wisdom and being soothed by her kindness. Over the years I've also come to know several of her children and/or their partners (who are all around my age) and some of her grandkids.

So I went to her husband's funeral to support my friend and her family. It was the most beautiful funeral I've been to, very emotional and personal and loving. The minister knew the family well so all her prayers and blessings were very personal. She told a wonderful story to the children that helped to explain what death and the afterlife might be like (about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and the confusion he felt when he was in the cocoon stage). All of my friend's 4 children spoke about their dad, and my friend spoke as well. It was really lovely to hear from the entire family and their own experiences and memories, rather than just from one person.

The theme that came through from everyone who spoke was that this man was loving and kind, practical and a hard worker, and was always willing to help someone when they needed it. All the kids talked about times when they'd needed help (often when they'd made a mistake) and their dad readily did what was asked. Other people I talked to afterwards and since also told me about times when he helped with events or parties or anything that was happening, and he was always available to do what needed to be done.

It really struck me how much that meant to everyone who spoke - that he was always there when needed. It felt like such a beautiful, wonderful thing to be remembered for. Our society is so full of messages along the lines of 'let them work it out for themselves', 'I'm not here just to serve you', 'I don't have time to do that for you' etc - we seem to be encouraged to put ourselves first and to 'help' our kids learn to do things for themselves. I've been to funerals of people who parented like that and while their children were sad and missing them, the way they remembered their parents wasn't with the deep love and appreciation and gratefulness I experienced last week.

It was a great reminder that how we interact with our kids and with our partner and our friends and family, every day, is how we will be remembered. I definitely want my kids to look back on their childhood, teenage years, adult years and know that Tony and I were always there for them, would always be willing to help, no matter what the situation was. And I'm talking about genuine, willing help too, not 'oh all right, I'll do it...' type help. I mean 'Yes, I am happy to do that for you'  - even if that is not stated, I know that the energy and thoughts behind helping someone really influences how the receiver experiences the help. I know I don't enjoy it when someone begrudgingly helps me out, I would much prefer them to say 'no, sorry I can't right now' than to help grumpily. And I'm not saying that we should all do everything our children ask us, immediately and happily - but it doesn't hurt to do as much as we can, honestly and lovingly and willingly. Every little interaction helps build our child's world - we aren't going to get them all right, but the interactions are positive as often as possible, then they will build a positive view of the world and of our relationship with them.

We're often told that if we do too much for our kids they will end up spoilt and ungrateful. Last week I saw the results of a lifetime of being willing to help and support people whenever they needed it, and the children of that man grew up to be compassionate, loving adults, full of gratitude and seeing abundance all through their lives. That is what I want for my children and I am thankful for this family for reminding me that living a compassionate, supportive, loving life will help our children to grow up the same way.

A weekend at home

We've had a few quiet days at home over the weekend and Friday, and it's been lovely. Interesting though how different those days can feel, even though they might look the same on the surface (just hanging out at home playing and reading and talking).

Friday felt like the perfect home day to me. There was nowhere else I'd rather be and nothing that I'd rather be doing than whatever I was doing at any given time. Really being able to go with what the kids and I want to do makes a massive difference to how I feel about my day - when I get caught up in (my) anxiety about whether we 'should' be doing something or not, it impacts greatly on how happy and content I feel about the day (Saturday was more like that).

On Friday I was up early and went for a walk, watered my plants etc. Tony has been starting work at 7, so it's easy for me to get up at 6 when his alarm goes off, rather than waking myself and lying there for a while wondering if I should try to get more sleep or get up and get going. I had a bit of time to myself in the morning, then the kids got up and we were all in a good mood. We played lego - the kids built and played games with their creations, I played a bit and spent a lot of time sorting the lego table (everything had become all mixed up, and we'd been storing other things on the table as well - that's all cleared now). We watched movies - Barbie as the Island Princess, and Mumma Mia (I hadn't seen it before and realised I knew NOTHING about it other than the fact that it contained ABBA songs. I quite enjoyed it, although I think it would be much better as a stage show than a movie). We played Minecraft and Terraria - individually and together throughout the day. We played other iPad games, again sometimes as a group, sometimes alone. We read books - I'm reading Eragon to LiAM, and the girls listen when they feel like it. I read other library books as well. I tidied things up in between playing with the kids, we had lots of great conversations, everything went smoothly. In the evening we were planning to go and see the Penguins of Madagascar at Bayswater Outdoor Cinema, but there was a thunderstorm so the event was cancelled. We were all disappointed, although I was happy to stay home. I suggested we invite our friends over who we were planning to meet there - they also mainly felt like staying home, except for Caitlin's friend S, who came for a sleepover. The girls chatted and played on the swings and played Terraria and watched Mumma Mia again, LiAM joined them for a while. They went to bed after I did, but I don't think they stayed up as late as they sometimes do.

A lot of rain came with the thunderstorm on Friday night (yay, rain! We have had very little this summer) and it was still raining on Saturday morning. Caitlin had wanted to take her friend to meet our neighbour, E - she lives next door by herself and loves having the kids come to visit. They can easily walk or ride there through the front of our property. The rain made this trip more difficult, and S was going home early as she had things on that day, so Caitlin started the day feeling a bit disappointed. I was feeling anxious as well, not about anything in particular, just a general all round anxiety, so even though we did many of the same things we'd done the day before, it didn't run as smoothly. I think I was trying too hard to make things better for Caitlin because she was disappointed, but also wanted to have an easy day, and it got a bit tense. It was still a pretty good day though. We played and sorted more lego, played Minecraft, played cards (Go Fish, and Up and Down the River), Millie watched more Barbie movies on the computer. LiAM played Pacman 2 on the Playstation.  The kids went next door to see E after it stopped raining, and they decided to write letters to her grandkids who live in America. They came home and wrote the letters and Caitlin rode back over to drop them off, and fell off her bike on the way back. She has a sore wrist and ankle and hip but no bad injuries. Tony came home late in the evening from work and watched the cricket, while Caitlin and LiAM and I took one of our broody chickens (and her eggs and nesting box) to a friend's house, as they would like more chickens and we have quite a few at the moment!

Yesterday was calmer again. I was able to say yes more easily to things the kids asked me to do (playing games, food they'd like me to prepare for them etc) - when I'm anxious I find it harder to say yes, even if I'm happy to do it. I am just more distracted and can't concentrate as easily - so I'm hoping to work on that, staying focussed on our home life when I'm anxious, instead of resenting the fact that I can't hide away in a corner somewhere which is what I feel like doing. I also find it helps to do lots of nurturing things like reading a book, playing on the iPad, sorting my photos - really doing what I WANT to be doing instead of running around doing housework when I'm anxious - and from there it's also much easier to say YES when the kids want me to do something with them. So yesterday, Tony was at work again (these 7 day work weeks are tough!), and we stayed home and watching movies (Island Princess again), played horses, read Batman comics, read Eragon, played on the iPad - lots of Township yesterday, me playing with the kids watching, read other library books, a bit of lego, the kids visited E again. Oh and we buried one of our little chicks who died yesterday - that was sad for all of us, one of the aspects of having animals that is less enjoyable, but also a useful way to increase understanding about life and death and impermanence and so on.

It was a hot day and we planned to go to the dam for a swim, but with no shade down there I prefer to leave it until the sun is low in the sky. We wanted to pull our camper trailer out to see if any rain had gotten through the cover (it's been damp after rain before) so Caitlin and I had a go at it while Tony was at work. It was hard going with just the 2 of us, and it was SO hot in the tent and I got a bit flustered a couple of times (and even a bit panicky when it kind of collapsed on me while I was in there) but we got it up properly - great to know we can do it without Tony, so I know I can take the kids away by myself if we want to go away during Vintage. After that we had a good rest, watched Phineas and Ferb for a while, then went to the dam for a lovely swim as the sun was setting. The water was a beautiful temperature (mainly) and Tony came home from work and joined us for a while. Back home once it was dark, for showers and getting ready for bed. The kids downloaded a new game onto the computer and played it for a while. I found a frog on the driveway when I took the bin out so we all went back out and looked at it for a while, and it surprised us by jumping quite a distance every time we stopped shining the torch on it. Then to bed, where I read more Batman comics (I'm enjoying them too, especially the chapters with Green Arrow - he's funny, and I love his relationship with Batman) and more of Eragon. I went back outside after that to find the cat who'd been out all day, I eventually enticed her in (well actually I pounced on her and carried her in by the scruff of her neck) and finally got to bed just before midnight.

Funeral and Start of Vintage

On Monday this week, Tony and I drove to Bathurst to attend a funeral on Tuesday. An old friend of ours, someone we hadn't seen in many many years, was killed in a road accident 10 days prior. The funeral was incredibly sad, I don't know if I've ever cried so much at a funeral, or seen so many other people crying. His wife (who was a very good friend of mine when we were in our early 20s) and his 3 kids (aged 14, 12 & 9) all spoke or had things read out, his wife sang a song she wrote for him, and some friends and family spoke. It was a beautiful send off.

In the days after I learnt of his death, I had several anxiety attacks - some about driving, some thinking about how I would cope if anyone important in my life died - and I was able to work through them without them taking hold too much, and now concentrating on the other reminders that our friend's death has given us - to appreciate our loved ones, to really live the life that you want to live, that friends and family really matter.

Despite the sad nature of our trip, Tony and I really enjoyed our time together in the car on the way up and back. 8 hours each way to chat, listen to music, and laugh (a lot). It was a great reconnection time for us, which is especially helpful given that Vintage is now upon us.

Tony came home from work on Thursday (he'd had Tue and Wed off, and Mon was a public holiday) and said that Vintage was starting Friday. He worked 12 hours yesterday and is working both days this weekend. So we're straight into it (although he thinks that this coming week won't be too intense). I'm feeling quite positive about it - I think I've organised our activities so there aren't too many and won't be too difficult to manage on my own, and I'm feeling confident that I can say no to extra things that are too hard, and concentrate on doing things that really nurture myself and the kids.

Good-byes

I've been wanting to write this post for over a month now. Its a difficult post to write because its about loss and grief - so I've been putting it off, then whenever I tried to write a more upbeat post it didn't seem as important as this one so nothing has been written for a while.

About 7 weeks ago we let Stripey the kitten outside in the morning, and we haven't seen him since. I didn't notice on that first day that he wasn't around - he was often out for several hours at a time or sleeping somewhere inside or out for many many hours, so it just didn't click that I hadn't seen him at all. That night, and for the next several days, we called and searched everywhere we could think of. I did night time walks around the dam and through the vines, I tried to get Buckley to sniff him out (he had a lovely time chasing rabbits on our night time wanderings) and we looked through all the sheds and in the trees...

I was worried from the moment I realised he was missing and worry soon turned to devastation. The kids were a bit worried but were sure he was coming back. Caitlin and some friends of mine who had had cats disappear then turn up later kept my hopes up for about a week, but I was still grieving pretty hard during that time and for the week or 2 afterwards. Now I feel more of a dull ache when I think about him and what a wonderful kitten he was - one of the best cats I've ever met and it feels so unfair that we had him for such a short time.

Its been interesting to watch the different ways the kids have managed compared to myself. I was in a fog of grief and cried everytime I thought about him. The kids all had a brief moment of tears because they missed him, then went back to assuming that he's off having fun somewhere else and he may come back one day. Well, the girls assume that, Liam started packing his things away after his tears because 'we don't have a cat anymore'.
They do still miss him and will sometimes wish he was here, but they seemed to process their grief more effectively and it hasn't impacted on their lives negatively. One more emotion that they are experiencing among many, rather than the overwhelming way in which I seem to experience grief.

I wonder if this is because they have always been free to express their emotions, both positive and negative, so they are so much more present with how they are feeling and don't feel any need to pretend - so feelings are processed as they occur. As adults I think we can sometimes spend more energy pretending to be fine and so the emotions come out later in other ways and need to keep coming out until they have been fully expressed. I hope that the 3 of them continue to feel comfortable enough with their emotions that they are always able to be present with and true to what they are feeling. And I hope I continue to learn from them how to do the same.

I think that the fact that Stripey is not the first loss they have faced also helped them put it in perspective. They know that animals and people do not live forever and sometimes we find ourselves saying goodbye before we are ready. Since Caitlin was born we have lost animals, (this is the first beloved pet though, the others were goats and chickens - although the loss of our baby chick and her mum was pretty upsetting), family members, unborn babies and of course lived through the loss and devastation of the Black Saturday bushfires in 2009. Sometimes it hurts me to think of how much these kids have taken on in terms of loss and grief - but then I look at how they handle it and it has given them a very real perspective and understanding of death and as it has always been part of their lives they aren't frightened of the idea of people dying. They are not insensitive about it, they still have moments of being very upset about Tony's Mum and Stripey and the babies... but they also talk about them very matter-of-factly and accept the deaths/disappearances as part of their life.

I think that's the key. They don't 'move on' as if these things didn't happen, they seem more to absorb them into their lives, cry about them when they need to, talk about them when they want to, and its now all part of who they are. I know that last year when I really took the time to grieve about my lost baby I processed it so much better than other times when I have tried to pretend I was fine, and now although I am still sad every day that he's not with us, the grief doesn't consume me and I can be around other babies, other pregnancies, and not feel like I'm missing out on something.

I hope I can continue to remember that. That the baby, and Stripey, and the other people we know who have died were an important part of our lives and have enriched us, and we can grieve for them for as long as we need to, without having to become bitter or resentful or depressed, and we can continue to live joyful, content lives even while experiencing grief.

And Caitlin and Millie still talk about Stripey in the present tense and are patiently waiting for him to return. And who knows. They might be right.