Lockdown 2.0, Day 68

 A good day today. Numbers were low (only 35!) and I felt happy and relaxed most of the day. Beautiful weather again - and getting warmer. We had the fire on in the morning but let it die out, we did yoga outside in t-shirts and were plenty warm enough. I was a bit sore today from yesterday's yoga session, but today's theme was stretch and it was a much easier practice, I was worried about Amelie at the start of it because she was feeling anxious, by the end I was relaxed and able to be more present for her.

I mainly pottered around today, did some photo work and tidying, chatted with the kids. They watched YouTube and jumped on the trampoline and played Among Us. I had a nap when I felt sleepy - we stayed up late watching La Tour de France last night (until after midnight) because Caitlin and I wanted to watch a mountain descent - it was lovely lying in bed and chatting, looking at Instagram, watching the race - it did mean I was a bit tired today but that was fine, a nap caught me up nicely. Caitlin and I went for a late afternoon walk and explored a part of the property we haven't really been to before - there's always something new to see. Tonight the older kids are on a group call with their friends playing a new online game, Amelie is listening to her audio book, Tony is watching the Collingwood game and I'm about to head to bed to do some work on my course then read my book.

Today would have been the day we came out of Stage 4 if numbers had dropped quickly enough. There are a few concessions to our current Stage, as of today - curfew now starts at 9pm rather than 8, and we're able to have 2 hours of exercise or outdoor recreation, with 1 other person (rather than 1 hour of exercise only). So they are small changes but feel like a step towards opening up and it might make life a tiny bit easier.

Lockdown 2.0, Days 65, 66 and 67

 I've been very up and down emotionally over the past 3 days - although now that I think about it, that could probably be said for any 3 day period during this lockdown. I've felt happy and content and even excited about things, and I've felt anxious, and I've felt lethargic, and cranky, and bored. On the whole though I'm feeling ok. I've rested when I needed to, done nurturing things that I love, spent time with the kids and talking to friends, and when I listen to my body and don't push myself I always recover fairly quickly from the downward swings.

Highlights of the last three days include

- having several beers with a friend over Facetime to celebrate his birthday

- going for a walk down the road I discovered that crosses the railway track (and is just inside our 5km zone)

- 2 hours alone at home - Liam asleep and Tony and the girls having a walk at his work. Can't remember the last time I was alone at home and it was wonderful

- a long evening phonecall with a friend

- doing yoga with the girls each day

- getting all the old clothes sorted, in labelled boxes or in bags to give away, and having more room now to create my own space in my walk-in wardrobe

-watching Umbrella Academy

- reading my book

- doing some work with my photos - more stock on Etsy and taking heaps of photos of new growth on the vines

Amelie is having a tough time at the moment, she is missing her friends so much, and finding it hard to keep occupied at home. She Skypes or calls a couple of friends on most days, and watches YouTube and plays games and jumps on the trampoline, but tears are never far away. I'm keeping her fed with lots of yummy food and we're playing and snuggling together, letting her feel what she's feeling - this is a tough time and I understand where she's coming from.

The virus numbers are staying fairly low, around the 40 mark. They need to keep going lower if we want things to relax in a couple of weeks, but so far the signs are looking good. I'm feeling ok about the extended lockdown at the moment, I'm at peace with not seeing my friends, and just making sure I talk to them or text them a lot, and I know they'll be there when we come out of this. I'm not so worried about the shopping or activities - I just want to see friends when I can.

Lockdown 2.0, Days 56, 57 and 58

 I've spent the last few days oscillating between feeling anxious and feeling really flat. A bit disappointing after feeling so good on Tuesday afternoon, but it is what it is and I have let myself feel whatever I needed to at the time. I haven't felt like writing so I allowed myself some time off, I've focussed on doing things that I love and that feel right, and I knew I'd be back eventually. 2 long phone calls with friends today (one who I hadn't talked to for a couple of years) and a text conversation entirely in haiku with another friend really helped - I laughed a lot (especially at the haikus) and relaxed and am feeling more positive now.

Wednesday morning (seems so long ago!) was pretty good, I got a fair bit down around the house and on the computer, and had a long chat to Mum. Caitlin and I went to the post office and called in at the Chocolate Factory to get some more presents for people. I did some research on what was new car options. In the late afternoon Tony took me to Healesville to pick up my car - I chatted to the mechanics about the type of car I might buy and got some useful information. The know the receptionist at the mechanics and we had a long chat before I headed home. On the way I saw a baby masked Lapwing trying to cross the road and I was worried it might get hit so I stopped - there were 2 parents and 4 babies, and the parents were desperately trying to keep the babies from going on the road. When they were on the road they were too little to easily jump back up the gutter to the safety of the grass, so it was pandemonium. One of the babies got knocked over by the slipstream of a car going past, but after a tumble he got up and ran back to his parents and seemed fine. I'd tried to help herd them off the road, then one of the parents decided I was a threat and came at me, so I left them to it (everyone was back on the grass by then and heading away from the road so I think they were safe). The babies were so cute and their fluffy round bodies were backlit by the sun - I'm so happy that I saw it. 

I went for a late, brisk walk when I got home and saw the full moon rising over the mountains - very cool! I did more car research after dinner and suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and anxious, so I went to bed. I was awake for hours in the night (Winky woke me up to tell me she'd caught a mouse, and I couldn't quieten my mind enough to get back to sleep). After a while I got up and did some tidying in the kitchen, and some writing, and some photography work, then played games on my phone for a bit and eventually settled back into bed and to sleep. I woke later than usual and my anxiety was there but muted, and I kind of fell into a day of feeling bleugh. I was just over the whole lockdown thing, I am missing my friends, I don't think I can handle another week and a half of stage 4 but I have to really, there's no other option, and I don't think Stage 3 will be much different for us anyway... It just all felt too hard and I know the kids are finding it hard too so I was also feeling overwhelmed by their worries about it. I had a good chat with a friend which helped calm me a little. I did some more work on cleaning out the wardrobe in my room, and actually felt like I made some progress. In the afternoon the kids and I played Dixit which was fun - everyone is really emotional so there was lots of laughing and a bit of tears as well. I talked to Mum - Dad had chemo in the morning so it was good to get an update (he's feeling ok, tired, a bit grumpy. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it all but I do like talking to them regularly). I did some of my course and some photo work and headed to bed fairly early.

I slept fitfully so woke up still pretty tired today, although it was nice not to be up for hours. I still felt flat but the anxiety had mainly gone. I caught up on some dishes, chatted to Amelie and Liam, then chatted to a friend on the phone while I weeded the garden. I worked a bit more in the bedroom, then had a wonderful 2 hour chat to an old friend. Caitlin and Liam went for a bike ride and started to help Amelie learn to ride Liam's old bike. Throughout the day I was sending and receiving haikus to a friend and they really made me laugh and helped to ground me. I felt much much better this afternoon and went for a mid-length walk and listened to my audio book. Luna ran off as we rounded the dam, and bailed up the big (BIG!!) male kangaroo over near the creek. I went over to try to distract her but I was pretty scared of him and he looked like he could head for me at any moment. They were at a standoff for a while then he charged her - he had his front claws out and if he'd caught her it would have been nasty. She avoided him then chased him into the dam - I'd already rung Tony and he and Caitlin drove down in the vineyard ute to get her - usually she can be distracted by the car. She reluctantly got in and was a bit sheepish when everyone was angry at her - but once back in the yard she was staring intently at the roos in the vines like she was ready to go again... I cooked dinner and then had a bath and a glass of wine, Tony watched the Collingwood game. I'm feeling pretty relaxed now although I have a headache so looking forward to sleep and a new day tomorrow.

Lockdown 2.0, Days 21, 22, 23

It's been a rollercoaster of a few days. Numbers were lower again on Wednesday, under 300 - promising. Then Thursday was 725. I felt sick when I first saw that result, and every time I thought of it since then. Today was in the 600s. Not good. I'm in awe every day of the way Dan Andrews and Brett Sutton keep fronting up to the press, calmly and solemnly making the announcements, taking responsibility for what's happened so far and outlining the next potential steps. It looks like a thankless, exhausting job.

On a personal level, I felt a little better on Wednesday. I even felt well enough to drive Caitlin in to Yarra Glen to the post office. I went to the chemist to try to get some homeopathics to help with the bleeding but the naturopath wasn't there so I planned to go back the next day. I spent a lot of the day on the couch/in bed, playing games and watching tv = The Gallery (Mandalorian), Gilmore Girls. Amelie had Guides, Caitlin tried to do her Cheer Zoom class but the internet was dodgy. I went to bed feeling positive that things were going to get better health wise.

Thursday I was about to go and get my blood test when I had a massive amount of bleeding. I was quite scared for a little while. I spoke to Nurse on Call and one of the doctors at the surgery and they recommended I come in. A friend took me to see the doctor, we tried to find somewhere for me to get an ultrasound, and she ended up taking me to emergency at Box Hill because I was pretty dizzy and finding it hard to concentrate. It was unnerving being at the hospital in lots of ways, no visitors or support people allowed in, everyone in masks, staff with face guards as well, signs everywhere. It was obvious the longer I was there that COVID is impacting the care that the hospital is able to give - things like ultrasounds are now only done if really urgent (so even though the Dr I saw wanted me to have one, it wasn't approved so I couldn't get one while I was there). I was really happy with the nurses and doctors who I dealt with, they did everything they could to reassure me and did seem interested in trying to figure out what was going on. My blood test came back with no worrying results, so after they checked a few things out they sent me home and asked me to get an ultrasound as soon as I could and organised a gynaecology appointment for some time in the future. Tony came to pick me up and it was really lovely chatting in the car on the way home - we don't get much time together without the kids around. The kids were really pleased to see me when I got home - I'd been gone all day and left before the older two woke up. We watched more Gilmore Girls and ate Nachos that Caitlin had cooked. The girls lay on the couch with me while we watched, and Liam stayed in the lounge room and watched with us. I was exhausted by the time I went to bed but surprisingly felt better than I had been - even though I still wasn't well I felt like it would get better.

I slept badly and had some anxious moments through the night - got up and had a shower at around 4am and that helped a lot. I got some good sleep when I went back to bed. Once I woke for the day - a beautiful sunny day, although a little foggy early - I felt better overall - physically and emotionally. Still bleeding but not so worryingly so. I spent time on the computer, hung the washing, felt a bit more normal than I had in a while. I went to have my ultrasound, - a relief to finally have it done, and I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow morning to see if it shows any answers. Afterwards I went to McDonalds (which was really busy - the girl at the window said they're busier during lockdown than they have ever been before) and bought my ultimate comfort food - fries and a chocolate sundae. I stopped in Yarra Glen and was able to get some homeopathic Phosphorus - she said it really should help. I drove then up to a spot on Old Healesville Rd, which overlooks the valleys on both sides of the road - over to our house and the mountains beyond Healesville, Pauls Ridge and Mt St Leonards, the hills of Dixons Creek. I ate my fries and sundae, took some photos, listened to music, read my book - it was a lovely hour by myself. Back at home I watched some TV with the girls, did some of my creativity course, chatted with a friend on the phone. Caitlin and I watched The Kissing Booth 2 - I got way more invested in it than I wanted to - it wasn't great but slighly better than the first one, and it was fun to watch with Caitlin, while she made bucket hats and we all ate takeaway pizza for dinner. 

Lockdown 2.0, Day 14

Today was hard. Numbers are way up - over 500 for Australia, most in Victoria. We’re 2 weeks into lockdown and things aren’t getting better. It’s scary and worrying.

I woke up with my head all stuffy and my throat scratchy. Caitlin woke up saying she felt really sick - she’d been heading that way for the past couple of days. I feel like mine is hayfever, hers might be too or she’s just exhausted, or she’s picked up a cold from somewhere... but it’s not worth assuming that and being wrong, so we went to Healesville to get tested. It was a bit odd having it done on the same room I do karate in...

Liam and I had a fun morning playing games - Othello (he’s pretty good but hasn’t beaten me yet - probably the only game o can say that about!), Flux, Burn and Kaboom. Amelie joined us for a while too. After Caitlin and I decided to go and get tested he was a bit worried so went to his room to play on his computer and stayed there for the rest of the day. Amelie spent a lot of the afternoon on the trampoline and playing with Luna. Caitlin and I watched Gilmore Girls, she did some sewing and i researches website and storage options. The girls and I went for a late walk and played with Luna a bit more. The dam was beautiful in the post-sunset light.

We’re all a bit on edge. Caitlin and I both became more anxious as the evening went on - a duet session at the piano had us laughing hard and helped quite a bit. I had a bath and Caitlin talked to friends- I think we’re all a tad stir- crazy and feeling anxious and it caught up with is all today. The house is a mess and I feel like I have a massive list of things I want to be doing and m not getting to - hopefully tomorrow I’ll either be able to do some of them, or stop worrying about them!

Lockdown 2.0, Day 2

Today has been slightly anxiety-inducing. Settling into lockdown can feel a bit unknown, and the numbers overnight were huge (288 - the biggest day yet) which is unnerving. I went to Chirnside Park this morning to get Amelie's phone fixed again (the fix we had done on Monday didn't work) - I don't like being there, although I went early so that it wasn't too crowded. I really prefer to stay local with my shopping, it feels safer and way less stressful. I wore my mask and made sure I kept my distance from people. After arguing with the phone guy about whether I should have to pay for a 2ns fix or not, I did the grocery shopping at Woolworths and went back to discover that the phone problem is worse than we thought and it needed to be sent away. I got a coffee and went for a walk then realised that I probably wasn't allowed to sit down on a park bench and read, which was my plan, so I went back to the car and drove to a park, and sat in the car and read my book for a while. On the way home I stopped to get chicken food (we have to sit in our cars at the stock feed place and they come out to serve us) and chatted through the window with my neighbour's daughter in her car - it was good to catch up on a bit of local news and check that our neighbour was doing ok. By the time I got home I was exhausted, and Amelie was quite sad about her phone. It is nice though to have full cupboards again (and lots of chocolate).

Caitlin heard last week that the local fish and chip was looking for more help - she rang them yesterday and they said to bring her resume in. So when I got home we put together a resume for her and drove to Yarra Glen. We did a bit of browsing in the hardware store and got some paint samples - we want to repaint the kitchen cupboards now that we have a nicely painted splashback and new curtains (thanks to Caitlin). She handed her resume in at the Fish and Chip shop, and the guy asked her to make a coffee for him. She made a latte (he was impressed that a 15 year old can make coffee) and he chatted to her for a bit then he asked her to start work at 5pm today.

We had an early fish and chip dinner, I browsed Facebook for a bit and then felt anxious again seeing people argue about everything, so I shut that down. Tony and I went for a walk with Luna, he came home and took Caitlin to work and I continued a nice long walk on my own. The sunset was pretty and it wasn't too cold - I still feel exhausted but it was good to have a bit of alone time and some exercise. I'm feeling a bit like I didn't get much done today - the dishwasher is still full and I didn't hang the washing etc - that's how some days go I guess, other things happen and it's not as though I haven't been busy, it was just different to what I'd planned.

The choosing game

Yesterday I was thinking about some of my learned thinking and how it's not really helpful (for example, feeling like everything should be perfect in the lead up to a fun event, otherwise it's too hard to enjoy it). This morning I'm quite tired (I went out for a fun event last night (after a less than perfect lead up, and I still had a great night) and some more of those learned thoughts/conditioning were swirling around in my head (e.g. thinking people are all good or all bad and feeling confused when it turns out that's not true (every time)), and the thoughts were leading to anxiety, even though I knew they weren't true. Then I started thinking 'Oh I need to change all this conditioned thinking, there's so many things I need to change, I don't know how to do it' and I felt myself about to really spiral down into an anxiety pit...

I was making a cup of tea while these thoughts were swirling, and pouring in our beautiful milk straight from the dairy calmed me a little, and I came back to the moment, and was somehow able to shift perspective on my thoughts, and instead thought 'Wow, there's some conditioned thinking that it would be helpful to change, which will make things a bit easier' and then I felt great. I felt like I was making a choice, a positive choice to help improve my life, and I wasn't saying that things were bad, just that I'd found a way to make them better. My early thinking had been victim-like which can feel isolating and hopeless.

I feel so different in my body when I am thinking negative or victim thoughts - my shoulders hunch, I curl in on myself so my lungs end up squished and it's harder to breathe - and then I feel anxious because I'm short of breath, but my brain assumes that the shortness of great is because of anxiety, so it starts to worry more and try to figure out what I'm anxious about, and (as Sarah Wilson says in her wonderful book First We Make the Beast Beautiful) I 'get anxious about being anxious'. If anything goes slightly wrong or unexpectedly when I'm thinking like that, it adds to the anxiety and before long I can be feeling like nothing is ok and everything is a disaster. I don't seem to be able to stop and think, everything is so swirly in my brain there's no room for new information.

When I am thinking positive thoughts, staying in the moment, feeling in charge of my life, I stand straighter, I open my lungs up and breathing is calm and easy, I can stop for a moment if something goes wrong, think about a way to deal with it, and then move through it. I can feel really happy and content, even if things are going wrong around me - they don't impact my mood.

There's a couple of things that I can learn from this. One is that knowing that my thoughts impact on how I react to things - SOMETIMES when I start to move to anxiousness, I can tell myself that what I'm thinking is not necessarily true, it's not the only way to think. Sometimes I'm not able to change the way I'm thinking, but knowing that there are other possibilities can mean that I know that the anxiety won't last, it's only until something shifts, and that makes it more bearable (it used to feel like I'd be feeling that way forever, and that was scary). The other thing is that if I realise early enough that I'm moving to victim mode, I often CAN change my thoughts, just reframe it a little - sometimes that's enough to lift me right out of it (like this morning), other times it just calms me enough to be able to keep functioning and I can recover more quickly. It helps if I can do something nurturing or notice the great things around me and come back to the moment.

I also know that practice makes it easier. Every time I shift my thinking I get better at it, and I can continue to improve. I know it's not a fix-all and I'm not going to be able to do it every time - any time that I can do it though, improves my life and that of those around me. So I will celebrate those moments and remember that I do have options when I'm feeling low - even if I choose not to access those options every time, knowing that there are choices makes all the difference.

(This activity from Scott Noelle illustrates all the above - I've been doing it a bit lately, and this morning was the first time since I started that I truly remembered the advantage of knowing there is a choice https://www.dailygroove.com/choosing/)

Stopping for anxiety

Yesterday morning I was feeling great - I was chatting to a friend online and saying how good I was feeling, and it was true. So I was very surprised a few hours later to discover that I was feeling incredibly anxious and definitely not so good anymore.

Because it was a surprise, so sudden, and without an obvious cause, I spent way too many hours trying to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening, just get on with my happy day as I'd planned to. Which I know (usually in hindsight) is one of the worst ways to manage my anxiety. The more I push it down the more it bubbles up and can lead to me exploding or collapsing (or both).

Eventually, after I had dithered around and not got very much of anything done for a good chunk of the day, I went with it. I went into Yarra Glen for a while on my own (op shop, library, IGA - very relaxing), came home and watched a movie with the kids (Sing - they'd seen it, I hadn't, and I quite enjoyed it) then played a game of Korners (which I'd never heard of but had picked up at the Op Shop 2 hours beforehand) with all 3 kids - it was fun, easy to play but difficult to win, and resulted in lots of hilarity (which did have a slightly hysterical edge to it but it was a good release). After all that I was able to tidy up the kitchen a bit and then head to bed.

When I get stuck in my anxiety, I'm really best to take a few hours off and do stuff that I really love or that really relaxes me. If I don't, I feel like I SHOULD be doing other things - dishes, tidying, emails, whatever - but I can't quite get my head around doing them.  I start, and stop, and take ages, or stand around trying to decide what to do next, and all the time feeling guilty that I'm not doing what I should be, or resentful that I'm doing something that I don't want to be doing, and it makes my anxiety much much worse. Soon I'm listening to a voice in my head telling me how bad it is that I can't even manage my housework blah blah blah. The fear (and the voice feeds this) is that if I take a day off my 'responsibilities' then they might never get done.

But the opposite is true. I nearly always find that if I take an afternoon, a day, a few days off when I am getting anxious, and when I feel that antsy feeling of 'I should do.... but I really don't want to', then the next day (or even later that day) I do feel like doing all those things, I do them joyfully and easily and much better than I would have done them when I didn't want to.

I figured out what brought the anxiety on - a combination of little things really. I've been going to bed later than I'd like this week, so waking up later, and Amelie has been up before me a few days in a row - so no time alone first thing and I really treasure that time to reconnect with myself for the day. I didn't go for my walk - I know it's important, but sometimes getting the dog ready to go with me makes it feel to hard and I skip it - and I usually feel flatter or more anxious all day. Tony and a workmate had an awkward conversation about the puppy and I was worrying about that. I posted a few things on Facebook that I'd been putting off (sharing information, and organising an event) and putting myself out there like that had me anxious about responses. And I've had a lot going on in the last few weeks with Caitlin's birthday, her party, and a few other personal issues happening. Yesterday was the first day in over a week where I could just relax, and instead I saw it as a day to 'get lots of things done' - I forget that I often need the relax day first before I get up and get busy the next day.

And it's worked. I've woken up this morning, taken the puppy for a walk which was fantastic, had 2 awkward conversations that I've been putting off for ages (including sorting out the dog issue with Tony's workmate), I've done some gardening and some tidying up outside, and I really do feel fantastic and ready to get on with things today. And hopefully I'll remember that if that changes, if I feel like it's too much, that I can stop for a while again today (there's not a limit to how often I can do that, I don't need to ration out my self-care) and play with the kids or read my book or whatever, and it doesn't mean that I'm less worthy.

Life in a house is a little strange

I'm feeling pretty relaxed as we continue to settle back in to life at home. Occasionally a worry or anxious though flares up, and I'm able to fairly quickly put it in perspective and feel OK about it, and get on with whatever I am doing. The car and trailer are slowly being unpacked, things are getting put away or reorganised, and it's surprisingly easy to keep the house looking tidy. We're all being more efficient with lights, water and power, we're not taking them for granted after living outside for 4 months.

I'm finding it tricky in the late afternoons as the light inside gets dull, but it's still light outside - it feels too early to turn lights on, and I'm not really enjoying artificial light anyway, but there's parts of our house that get dark quite quickly and the low light can bring my mood down a little. So there's still adjustments to be made to living in a house again, and it's helping us see what things we could do to improve the layout and set up of our house, which is cool.

Caitlin is at another sleepover - she'll have 9 nights without sleeping in the same place 2 nights in a row. She's so excited to see her friends again and is full of energy. She's doing heaps of work on reorganising her room and has made a photo presentation to show at Girl Guides this week.

We had our best friends come over and visit for the day yesterday, everyone was so happy to see them and they to see us. The kids played Minecraft and on the trampoline and shared all their new skills with each other, we mums talked and drank tea and enjoyed being with someone we were really really comfortable with.

Tony was back at work yesterday, he found it tiring although enjoyable. I found the afternoon really weird, waiting for him to come home and getting used to having that adjustment each day, time with him here and time with him away. I think we all missed him after being together so much on our trip.

Sewing and karate

On Wednesday night Caitlin had found a library book called 'Made by Me', with lots of patterns and ideas for things to make and sew. She said that she'd start making some of them on Thursday, and she did. She made a doll, several drawstring bags, and some other little decorations. She worked really hard and spent hours sewing, asking for help or ideas when she was unsure, and taking a break when she was getting frustrated. I am always impressed with her sewing skill, and this was no exception, the things she made looked fantastic and she did them fairly easily.

LiAM played Lego Marvel Superheroes again and realised he was close to the end so was excited at the thought of completing the whole game. At one point something had happened in the game where he'd missed his chance to do a vital action in order to finish that level. He tried lots of things and I looked up the walkthrough, and in the end it looked like the only way to finish the level was to start that section again, which was a lot of work. He was pretty upset, feeling like all the work he'd done so far had been wasted. He stopped and had something to eat and eventually decided to go back and do it all again, and was able to calm down enough to enjoy it even though he hadn't wanted to do it. When he got back to the same spot I was able to read the walkthrough to him (he really didn't want to miss his chance again) and he defeated Rhino and Magneto and was thrilled. I'm impressed at his increasing ability to calm down and continue when he's upset or anxious. He still feels and expresses his disappointment, when he was younger though it could mean the end of the game, now he's more able to work through it and get some perspective.

Amelie watched and helped LiAM play, did some more pokemon and planet quizzes with me, watched some more Pokemon, played with her My Little Ponies.

After a while LiAM had enough of his playstation game, and spent time playing with the Titan characters.

When Caitlin had finished sewing she went to visit our neighbour next door and took her creations with her - everyone there was quite impressed too.

We went to karate in the evening. Amelie joined in and trained for the whole class this time. She was quite overwhelmed by the end of it, it's a lot to take in (and at the moment there are 7 kids who have just started, so the group she's training in is quite big which would make it much harder). Afterwards she had a quick play in the park, while LiAM talked Terraria with some of the older kids.

Back home and we had a bit more to eat, and watched Degrassi (far less full on than the previous night) then Heartland. Tony came home and went almost straight to bed. The kids put on a pokemon movie and I went to bed, they got themselves to bed once it was finished.

Getting ready for camping

Up earlyish again yesterday, and Amelie woke not too long after me. She wanted to watch Tinkerbell (the original movie) in my room so I moved my computer in there and watched with her while I checked my email. By the time the movie was finished the other kids were up, and she asked to watch it again on the big TV and they all watched it together. LiAM also played Jetpack Joyride, and they all played games on the Cool-maths-games site.

I finished pickling my parsnip, and did dishes and washing and general tidying, with an eye to getting ready for homeschool camp today. I started making a pile of stuff to take, and checked things in the trailer, and did a lot of mental planning - I think most of the work of packing for me is deciding what to take and what to pack it in, and I do that best by letting it percolate around in my head while I'm doing other things. Then I end up with a pretty complete list and plan, and when it comes time to actually do the packing it doesn't take very long. My anxiety about getting ready kicks in when I don't let that process take place naturally - when I start trying to physically pack before I've done enough of the mental work.

After lunch we went over to the H's for the kids to have a play and me to have a cuppa and a chat with L. Amelie and J played with duplo, LiAM and A played in the hammock and on the trampoline and some Minecraft, Caitlin played with O and helped out where needed. I left the kids there and took H for a driving lesson - we went to Lilydale for me to get groceries for the camping trip, then she drove all the way to Greensborough for me to pay for and pick up some camping beds I'd bought, then she drove back to Healesville - a huge drive, in fairly heavy traffic at times, and she managed beautifully. L met me at karate with my kids and she took H home.

I'd considered skipping karate because we had such a busy afternoon, then decided to go anyway because I love it so much and feel so good when I'm there. I'm glad we did go, it was enjoyable and it's great exercise and I learnt some new things, and realised how much I have already learnt which is a fantastic feeling. The kids really enjoyed it too and they are improving all the time.

After karate we came home and the kids played a bit more of the Cool-math-games, I did a bit more organising for camping, we had an easy tea (toasted sandwiches), and watched Big Bang Theory and Auction Hunters and Here Come the Habibs. I didn't really want to watch it as I feel like it's playing into stereotypes, Caitlin was so keen to see it that I agreed to check it out. Some of my concerns were justified, but it was quite enjoyable....

Tony had come home from work completely exhausted so had a shower and a quick bite to eat then straight to bed. I went not long afterwards and the kids played maths games for a bit longer before heading off themselves.

A weekend at home

We've had a few quiet days at home over the weekend and Friday, and it's been lovely. Interesting though how different those days can feel, even though they might look the same on the surface (just hanging out at home playing and reading and talking).

Friday felt like the perfect home day to me. There was nowhere else I'd rather be and nothing that I'd rather be doing than whatever I was doing at any given time. Really being able to go with what the kids and I want to do makes a massive difference to how I feel about my day - when I get caught up in (my) anxiety about whether we 'should' be doing something or not, it impacts greatly on how happy and content I feel about the day (Saturday was more like that).

On Friday I was up early and went for a walk, watered my plants etc. Tony has been starting work at 7, so it's easy for me to get up at 6 when his alarm goes off, rather than waking myself and lying there for a while wondering if I should try to get more sleep or get up and get going. I had a bit of time to myself in the morning, then the kids got up and we were all in a good mood. We played lego - the kids built and played games with their creations, I played a bit and spent a lot of time sorting the lego table (everything had become all mixed up, and we'd been storing other things on the table as well - that's all cleared now). We watched movies - Barbie as the Island Princess, and Mumma Mia (I hadn't seen it before and realised I knew NOTHING about it other than the fact that it contained ABBA songs. I quite enjoyed it, although I think it would be much better as a stage show than a movie). We played Minecraft and Terraria - individually and together throughout the day. We played other iPad games, again sometimes as a group, sometimes alone. We read books - I'm reading Eragon to LiAM, and the girls listen when they feel like it. I read other library books as well. I tidied things up in between playing with the kids, we had lots of great conversations, everything went smoothly. In the evening we were planning to go and see the Penguins of Madagascar at Bayswater Outdoor Cinema, but there was a thunderstorm so the event was cancelled. We were all disappointed, although I was happy to stay home. I suggested we invite our friends over who we were planning to meet there - they also mainly felt like staying home, except for Caitlin's friend S, who came for a sleepover. The girls chatted and played on the swings and played Terraria and watched Mumma Mia again, LiAM joined them for a while. They went to bed after I did, but I don't think they stayed up as late as they sometimes do.

A lot of rain came with the thunderstorm on Friday night (yay, rain! We have had very little this summer) and it was still raining on Saturday morning. Caitlin had wanted to take her friend to meet our neighbour, E - she lives next door by herself and loves having the kids come to visit. They can easily walk or ride there through the front of our property. The rain made this trip more difficult, and S was going home early as she had things on that day, so Caitlin started the day feeling a bit disappointed. I was feeling anxious as well, not about anything in particular, just a general all round anxiety, so even though we did many of the same things we'd done the day before, it didn't run as smoothly. I think I was trying too hard to make things better for Caitlin because she was disappointed, but also wanted to have an easy day, and it got a bit tense. It was still a pretty good day though. We played and sorted more lego, played Minecraft, played cards (Go Fish, and Up and Down the River), Millie watched more Barbie movies on the computer. LiAM played Pacman 2 on the Playstation.  The kids went next door to see E after it stopped raining, and they decided to write letters to her grandkids who live in America. They came home and wrote the letters and Caitlin rode back over to drop them off, and fell off her bike on the way back. She has a sore wrist and ankle and hip but no bad injuries. Tony came home late in the evening from work and watched the cricket, while Caitlin and LiAM and I took one of our broody chickens (and her eggs and nesting box) to a friend's house, as they would like more chickens and we have quite a few at the moment!

Yesterday was calmer again. I was able to say yes more easily to things the kids asked me to do (playing games, food they'd like me to prepare for them etc) - when I'm anxious I find it harder to say yes, even if I'm happy to do it. I am just more distracted and can't concentrate as easily - so I'm hoping to work on that, staying focussed on our home life when I'm anxious, instead of resenting the fact that I can't hide away in a corner somewhere which is what I feel like doing. I also find it helps to do lots of nurturing things like reading a book, playing on the iPad, sorting my photos - really doing what I WANT to be doing instead of running around doing housework when I'm anxious - and from there it's also much easier to say YES when the kids want me to do something with them. So yesterday, Tony was at work again (these 7 day work weeks are tough!), and we stayed home and watching movies (Island Princess again), played horses, read Batman comics, read Eragon, played on the iPad - lots of Township yesterday, me playing with the kids watching, read other library books, a bit of lego, the kids visited E again. Oh and we buried one of our little chicks who died yesterday - that was sad for all of us, one of the aspects of having animals that is less enjoyable, but also a useful way to increase understanding about life and death and impermanence and so on.

It was a hot day and we planned to go to the dam for a swim, but with no shade down there I prefer to leave it until the sun is low in the sky. We wanted to pull our camper trailer out to see if any rain had gotten through the cover (it's been damp after rain before) so Caitlin and I had a go at it while Tony was at work. It was hard going with just the 2 of us, and it was SO hot in the tent and I got a bit flustered a couple of times (and even a bit panicky when it kind of collapsed on me while I was in there) but we got it up properly - great to know we can do it without Tony, so I know I can take the kids away by myself if we want to go away during Vintage. After that we had a good rest, watched Phineas and Ferb for a while, then went to the dam for a lovely swim as the sun was setting. The water was a beautiful temperature (mainly) and Tony came home from work and joined us for a while. Back home once it was dark, for showers and getting ready for bed. The kids downloaded a new game onto the computer and played it for a while. I found a frog on the driveway when I took the bin out so we all went back out and looked at it for a while, and it surprised us by jumping quite a distance every time we stopped shining the torch on it. Then to bed, where I read more Batman comics (I'm enjoying them too, especially the chapters with Green Arrow - he's funny, and I love his relationship with Batman) and more of Eragon. I went back outside after that to find the cat who'd been out all day, I eventually enticed her in (well actually I pounced on her and carried her in by the scruff of her neck) and finally got to bed just before midnight.

Movie, chickens and swimming

I've been waking up earlyish again lately - between 6 and 7 usually - and I've been going outside and watering my plants, then going for my walk. I hadn't been walking much over the past couple of months and it's wonderful to be doing it again. Going that early too I often get to see the sunrise or close to it, and see the early morning clouds reflected in the dam. There are often kangaroos still up on the dam wall at that time, and the ducks are just waking up. It's a great start to the day and I think it's helping my energy levels and my anxiety overall. (I've had a few anxiety attacks this week and the walking definitely helps me keep things in perspective).

Millie woke up not long after I got back from my walk yesterday, and she sat on my lap while I checked email etc and she played on the iPad. Then we moved onto the couch together which was more comfortable. She was looking at something to do with the moon in one of her games and asked what it was called when it was a certain shape, so we looked up moon phases and chatted about how it changes, what it's called, why we can see what we can. The other two kids eventually wandered out, and we all curled up on the couch and watched 'The Princess and the Frog'. I was feeling very sleepy and dozed in the musical sequences, and managed to watch most of the rest of the movie. A very relaxing way to spend the morning.

Caitlin had commented that our little chick was getting 'so big' after she didn't see it for 3 days when she was away on horse camp. I thought she was imagining it - the chick still looked tiny. However when I went to check on the broody hens yesterday and discovered 2 more brand new chicks I could see what she means - the new chicks are TINY and the older one has grown quite a lot. I love how excited we all feel whenever new chicks are born, even though we've had it happen quite a number of times. They are so incredibly cute and tiny and we all love watching them. We really enjoy watching them grow up too, discovering what colouring they are going to have, and whether they are a hen or a rooster - Caitlin and I discovered yesterday that the 4 month old chick which we were sure was a hen is actually not - he was practising his crowing so looks like he was not the bird that laid the tiny egg we found the other day.

Being Friday, Tony was home around 2pm which is always lovely. He played Terraria with the kids for a while, then he and I played Donkey with Millie. Tony had a nap while I played Go Fish with Millie. I had a lie down myself (still feeling sleepy) and the kids played Test Match and did some drawing. Caitlin was very keen to go for a swim and it was quite a hot day so when I got up we rushed around and headed back down to Healesville outdoor pool. (At first I felt like it was too much effort, and felt that we'd planned to have a day at home so we should stick to that. Then I realised there was really no reason for us not to go, part of having a sparkly, joy filled life is to take opportunities when they come up, so it was ok to change our plans and do something that one of us really wanted to do. I'm so glad I chose the joyous option and not the default option.) Tony came with us too. Millie and I played around in the shallow end of the big pool, she practiced swimming out to me from the steps, and was also a dolphin who loved to eat catfish and I was the human supplying her with the catfish. The other 2 kids found some friends - two boys who had been in the Chicken Little play with Caitlin last October - and played with them and bit tyre tube up in the deep end. Tony and I each spent a bit of time with the big kids and a bit with Millie, then Millie put her backpack on and came up the deep end with all of us. We stayed until closing time (6pm) (we'd gone quite late), then bought pizza and went to the Train Park to eat it. It was a lot cooler by this stage and sitting outside felt lovely (apart from the wasp who wanted to share our dinner). After eating the kids and I walked the labyrinth, trying a few different techniques, then played Hide and Seek and then 40-40.

Back at home people played Terraria, I looked up some Terraria information for LiAM, Caitlin played minecraft and looked up dresses on the internet, Tony and I put away the camper trailer, we watched the cricket (quite exciting, Australia won in the last over) and the tennis then wound down and made our way to bed.

Melbourne Cup Day

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup Day, so no work for Tony! (He had Monday off as well, a lovely 4 day long weekend).

On Monday night, Amelie and Caitlin went to a Girl Guides sleepover at the hall. This was Millie's first sleepover not with family - I was vaguely anxious all day Monday but did feel better knowing that Caitlin was going to be with her. I think the hardest part for me was that Tony took the girls on his way to baseball (I still don't have my car so couldn't take them myself) so I said good-bye to Millie at home, and that felt weird, I would have liked to safely deposit her there myself. Tony rang me to say the drop off had gone well though, so I was reassured a little.

LiAM and I had a lovely quiet evening at home by ourselves, watching Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds DVDs (this is my favourite of the Yu-Gi-Oh series that I've seen - marginalised and disadvantaged kids fighting back against the system that is oppressing them) and playing iPad games and reading my book (Lament by Maggie Stiefvater - it was amazing, one of my favourite authors and possibly the my favourite of hers that I've read).

Yesterday morning was similarly quiet, with just me, Tony and LiAM, then we went and picked the girls up at 10am. They had had a great time, although Millie was a bit sad at bedtime and had wanted to come home. Caitlin helped her settle and she slept well. They had made fairy wings and other fairy related pictures and watched a few movies and enjoyed themselves a lot.

From there we drove up to Mum and Dad's, where F & J & T had been staying for a few days. Nice to play with the baby and catch up in person with F, we've spoken on the phone a bit lately but not seen each other much. We went for a walk to try to get T to sleep, and the kids played with the red train track. Caitlin and Dad wrote some books about trains and other subjects and pretended they were an old married couple - it got quite hilarious at times. We played the piano and the keyboard, LiAM watched youtube videos, Dad and J and I talked computer and iPhone stuff, Mum and I walked around and looked at her garden, J played with his drone with video camera - just a relaxing family day. F & J headed home around 2, and the girls and Dad and I went down to have a quick look at the Yea photography show before they closed for the weekend. Some great photos there and enough inspiration to think I could enter something next time. We raced back to be home in time for the Melbourne Cup - Tony had organised a sweep amongst us all so it was quite exciting - Dad, F and T won all the money. After the race Caitlin and Dad got out the bikes, C was able to ride Mum's bike easily, and they went down to the rail trail and did an 8km ride! Mum and I cooked dinner and we ate outside on the balcony, played some more piano and book games and with some of the toys that were there, and headed home about 8.30. The girls were asleep by the time we got home, LiAM watched a couple more youtube videos then everyone went to bed.

More thoughts on life is good

A couple of mornings ago I was questioning my position on feeling that life is good at the moment. I was exhausted from being sick for so long, and from looking after the rest of my family who were also still sick. It felt like we were never going to get better. I kept coughing and was short of breath and woke up feeling teary about everything. I was cranky with Tony and managing JUST to not be snappy with the kids, but felt like everything they asked was too hard. And things that I had been coping ok with suddenly seemed like big disasters. Emails I'd been meaning to send that I'd put off because we were sick, felt urgent now and I felt like a failure for not getting them out earlier. The housework that I had left for later because we were sick was suddenly staring at me and telling me I was a terrible housewife. I hadn't been playing with the kids as much as I would have liked so thought perhaps I wasn't doing such a great job of homeschooling. A situation with a good friend which is currently far from ideal suddenly made me cry just thinking about it. I banged my head on the kitchen cupboard and cried for a good while. Everything made me cry.

I had a small moment of thinking that everything was terrible and life was not, in fact, good at the moment - then I thought a bit more and realised that I was simply tired and sick and that life was still great, but it was ok to have a down day when things weren't going so well. I could see that I would feel better sometime (soon, I hoped) and I would be able to get to the emails, housework and games with the kids once we all had more energy and I felt up to it. I could apologise to Tony for my cranky mood and we could keep working together to make our home a happy and mainly peaceful place. The  situation with my friend is sad, and I can feel that sadness and hope that things change, without it detracting from my general joy in the world and my life. And having a good cry helped me feel so much better, and stopped me spending the day in an anxious state (which is what often happens if I try to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling upset and I need to just get on with my day).

I rested a lot that day (I was sick of resting, but figured I obviously needed more) and by the end of the day felt better physically and emotionally. In fact by dinner time I felt quite ecstatic emotionally, I was bouncy and happy and friendly and no longer felt like snapping at anyone. Stuff that had annoyed me no end the night before now seemed like just a normal part of our life and something that I could happily help out with (I can't even remember what it was, something that someone needed help with - grumpy me had thought 'wow, can't anyone do anything for themselves, why do I have to do everything?', happy me thought 'Sure, I know how to do that, I'm happy to help.'

2 days later I'm feeling much better physically. We were able to go out and do our usual Wednesday activities yesterday. I have caught up on a lot of the emails, bills, and housework that had been left to wait. I played with the kids yesterday when they wanted me to (on the iPad and building Lego). And I feel so grateful that I'm learning how to be more grateful for my life and the good things in it and I can now feel confident when I'm low, that things are definitely going to pick up, and probably soon.

Why am I writing?

I haven't written anything for a while - partly because our computer died and it's easier to type on the computer than the iPad, and then I got out of the habit of writing each day or even every few days - and partly because I started to wonder a lot about what I SHOULD be writing - and the more I thought about it, the less able to I was to write anything...

I kept thinking, on and off, that my blog should (there's that word again - I really try not to use it much, it's usually a warning sign of anxiety pending when it pops up) have an obvious purpose - am I using it to record what we do each day, or to report on themes that we're exploring, or to express my philosophical views on parenting or education or unschooling... And who is my audience - am I writing for myself, or my kids, or my friends and family, or for the general public... And so every time I decided to write something I would worry that it didn't fit with the purpose of my blog or my intended audience (and I still didn't know what either of those were...) so the blog post idea wouldn't make it out of my head. 

Oh and another thing that slowed me down a bit was that when I was writing every day, I found myself, whatever we were doing during the day, thinking about how I would blog about it. Which sometimes took me away from enjoying the fun in the moment.

So I've decided to stop thinking about it, and just to write. To write what feels most appropriate on the day. And to write for myself, mainly, and then to share it with whoever wants to read it. So my blog may look like a mish-mash of purposes - which it isn't really. It's purpose is for me to write and share my world, and that can be shared in lots and lots of ways. And to practice my writing which makes me happy! And to help me examine my self and my parenting and our unschooling family and find out ways I can improve and bring more joy into our lives every day. 

P.S. I have changed the comments setting so that you don't have to sign in to comment on a post (I think). I'd love for people to comment on my posts - let me know if you try anytime and it doesn't work....

Wild weather and shopping

My morning walk yesterday was pretty wild and woolly - I definitely rugged up, in a waterproof jacket and with hat, scarf and gloves to make sure as much of my skin was covered as possible. The rain was icy and with the strong wind it was coming down almost sideways again - it was an exhilarating walk and I'm really glad I braved the elements.

It wasn't quite so exhilarating driving in that same weather later in the morning - LiAM had a dentist appointment in Balwyn North which is about 45 minutes from here. With the bad weather it took us about 10 minutes longer which wasn't too bad - there were branches across the road in a few places and some traffic lights out, so it was a bit tricky although could have been much worse. We had some great conversations about 'What if...' situations - if one event had happened differently (in movies, books, real life) how might the end result have differed and would that have been better or worse...

LiAM's check up went well, then we went to Doncaster shopping centre for our post-dentist lunch - LiAM usually likes McDonalds after the dentist, and if we go to Doncaster he can get that at the food court and I can have something else - it's a great food court, lots of choices and most of it tasty and appealing. LiAM and Millie had Happy Meals - I used to be very anti McDonalds, and Happy Meals - I am glad that I have relaxed about that and let the children choose things that bring them joy. A Happy Meal does bring so much happiness, in the receiving, and the eating, and the toy... Caitlin used to like them too but they don't fill her up, so she usually chooses a regular meal and is happy to forego the toy. She also was very happy eating her burger and fries. I had a delicious baked sweet potato with bacon, cheese and sour cream - a perfect hot meal for a cold wet day. Oh and by that time I was a bit frazzled because I had driven round and round the carpark trying to find an undercover parking spot and in the end given up and parked as near as I could to the covered area. A hot tasty meal really helped calm me down.

We went to Medicare (actually that was before we ate, the kids were very tolerant and patient) to get back quite a bit of money from LiAM's dentist visit, and after lunch went to a couple of mobile phone accessory shops for Caitlin to buy Millie a cover for her iPod touch - she got a very cute Hello Kitty one. The main purpose of our trip to Doncaster was for LiAM to buy some Skylanders with his own money - we went to 3 shops to look at them and he was very discerning - looked at the ones that would pad out his collection in useful ways, and looked at the prices, and checked out what was on special - for a total of $47 he ended up with 6 new Skylanders, a new world and a Giants portal - he was stoked and I was impressed with his shopping skills. I think the highlight for him though was chatting to the guy in EB Games about their favourite characters and the reasons why they were good. The girls also bought one character to share.

I was exhausted by the time we were finished (I didn't have any water with us - I stopped to buy some and once we'd all had a bit of water we actually had the energy to go to the last of the 3 Skylanders shops - I had said I couldn't do it but some hydration really helped). When we got back to the car I couldn't find the parking ticket anywhere - I gave up and pressed the help button when I got to the gate - I had to pay $10.25 to get out which was a bit disappointing since if I'd had the ticket it would have been free - then I figured it didn't really matter, $10 wasn't worth getting stressed about and I was just tired and would feel better once we were home and I'd had a bit of a rest. I'm finding I can do that more often now - recognise that I feel more anxious when I'm tired and so not react to it, and try not to talke much (cos I tend to be cranky when I'm anxious), just take it easy for a while and then put things in perspective once I'm rested.

On the way home we listened to the Frozen soundtrack which I'd bought at one of the shops, and that helped me chill out quite a bit. LiAM played with his figures in the back of the car and when we got home they all played Skylanders to check out all the new guys. LiAM was very happy. Caitlin played Minecraft for a while as well, and I had a bath and then felt much happier. Tony cooked a delicious steak and potato meal for tea, and we watched House Rules then LiAM went back to Skylanders until he went to bed.

Hot hot hot

Its hot again today, althought I think the temperature is dropping now, below 30 degrees, and our area is actually due to have a coolish day tomorrow. A lot of places are staying hot for several more days though and the fire danger is pretty high everywhere. I've been keeping an eye on the fire news which sometimes makes me feel calmer because there's nothing nearby here, and other times causes me to feel quite anxious because it brings back all the memories of how it felt in 2009. 

I know I was very anxious leading up to last Friday when we had Extreme fire danger, and thought I'd calmed down since then. I'm very weary though and today I've been a little less patient with the kids than I'd like - especially getting everyone in the car to take the kitten to get his vaccinations (something about doctors (vet) appointments that make me get cranky rather than fun as I'm trying to coax everyone out the door. Maybe I should make the appointments at times when Millie doesn't have to come). So perhaps the heat and the threat of fire danger is keeping me on edge a bit more than I had realised.

I'm pleased I took Liam with me to the vet though, he got to see what she was doing. Stripes (the kitten) had 4 people holding him down while the vet did his checkup, not sure if that made it more or less stressful for him!

On the way home we stopped at a fruit and veg place that I love and the kids selected a lot of fruit - they've been eating fruit salad all afternoon. I replenished my veggie drawer as well, and Liam bought me some beautiful yellow and orange roses.