A couple of mornings ago I was questioning my position on feeling that life is good at the moment. I was exhausted from being sick for so long, and from looking after the rest of my family who were also still sick. It felt like we were never going to get better. I kept coughing and was short of breath and woke up feeling teary about everything. I was cranky with Tony and managing JUST to not be snappy with the kids, but felt like everything they asked was too hard. And things that I had been coping ok with suddenly seemed like big disasters. Emails I'd been meaning to send that I'd put off because we were sick, felt urgent now and I felt like a failure for not getting them out earlier. The housework that I had left for later because we were sick was suddenly staring at me and telling me I was a terrible housewife. I hadn't been playing with the kids as much as I would have liked so thought perhaps I wasn't doing such a great job of homeschooling. A situation with a good friend which is currently far from ideal suddenly made me cry just thinking about it. I banged my head on the kitchen cupboard and cried for a good while. Everything made me cry.
I had a small moment of thinking that everything was terrible and life was not, in fact, good at the moment - then I thought a bit more and realised that I was simply tired and sick and that life was still great, but it was ok to have a down day when things weren't going so well. I could see that I would feel better sometime (soon, I hoped) and I would be able to get to the emails, housework and games with the kids once we all had more energy and I felt up to it. I could apologise to Tony for my cranky mood and we could keep working together to make our home a happy and mainly peaceful place. The situation with my friend is sad, and I can feel that sadness and hope that things change, without it detracting from my general joy in the world and my life. And having a good cry helped me feel so much better, and stopped me spending the day in an anxious state (which is what often happens if I try to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling upset and I need to just get on with my day).
I rested a lot that day (I was sick of resting, but figured I obviously needed more) and by the end of the day felt better physically and emotionally. In fact by dinner time I felt quite ecstatic emotionally, I was bouncy and happy and friendly and no longer felt like snapping at anyone. Stuff that had annoyed me no end the night before now seemed like just a normal part of our life and something that I could happily help out with (I can't even remember what it was, something that someone needed help with - grumpy me had thought 'wow, can't anyone do anything for themselves, why do I have to do everything?', happy me thought 'Sure, I know how to do that, I'm happy to help.'
2 days later I'm feeling much better physically. We were able to go out and do our usual Wednesday activities yesterday. I have caught up on a lot of the emails, bills, and housework that had been left to wait. I played with the kids yesterday when they wanted me to (on the iPad and building Lego). And I feel so grateful that I'm learning how to be more grateful for my life and the good things in it and I can now feel confident when I'm low, that things are definitely going to pick up, and probably soon.
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