Working in the background

Yesterday I was walking the dogs, like I do most mornings. I had Luna on a long lead - it's an 8m lunge lead, meant for horses. I like using it because she can still run around a lot, go in the dam if she wants to, explore lots and feel like she's free to run, while she's actually still attached to me and can't run off. Buckley doesn't need a lead - he is mainly content to just trot along nearby whoever is walking. (The only time no lead is a problem for him is when we meet a tractor or car on the paths. His partial deafness and partial blindness and general go-with-the-flow-ness means that he either doesn't know they are coming, or doesn't care. The only way I've found to get him out of their way is to swoop in and pick him up. I need to be careful about it though. If I come up too fast from behind, he thinks we're running now, and starts to run faster. If I come at him from the front, he thinks we're going the other way now, so he turns around and starts to run. I try to come at him quickly from the side - he usually can't see me coming from that direction, and I can grab him before he changes speed or course).

Anyway. Neither Buckley or Luna are aware of the long lead that Luna is attached to, or it's consequences. Luna runs back and forwards across the path, doubles back if she sees something interesting, stops and starts and the lead follows along behind her, often catching Buckley around the back legs or across the head, as he just trots faithfully along. Yesterday (and most days now) I was changing my own course as we walked, so that there was less chance of the lead wiping Buckley out. I was thinking about how easy it is for me to do that, to just be in the background, without fuss, moving to a different side of the path, or flicking my wrist to move the lead over a dog, or whatever I need to do to keep both of them safe. It was just part of my walk and part of having a very old dog at the same time as having a very exuberant dog.

And from there I jumped to how I handle things with my kids and Tony. It's very similar, although sometimes I'm not quite so calm about it. I spend a lot of time surveying the scene, whatever is happening in our lives at each moment, and doing what needs to be done to keep everyone happy and safe. Liam doesn't like the feel or sound of certain fabrics, so I make sure I don't handle those fabrics near him (for example, I don't fold up my reusable bags when he's in the room, and when I'm buying clothes for him I check the feel of them and only buy if I know he'll be ok). Amelie is sensitive to noise so I always warn her before I turn any appliance on, and wait until she's ready (she leaves the room, or covers her ears, and sometimes she wants to finish doing something before she does either of those).  Tony has been getting frustrated with one of the cupboards in the kitchen, so I reorganised it so that things aren't falling out all the time. Caitlin gets flustered sometimes if people ask her a lot of direct questions, so I join in the conversation and deflect some of the comments to me instead.

There are 100s of little things I'll do in a week to help make everyone's life run more smoothly. This doesn't mean that I don't ever let anything upset anyone in my family. There are times when things don't go to plan, or happen without warning, and there are always disappointments in life. But that doesn't mean that when we have the ability to change things, we should just let the disappointment or discomfort happen because kids need to learn how to handle it.

While ever I am able, I am very happy to be there in the background, seamlessly and without needing affirmation, moving things around when I can so that everyone feels comfortable. I know my family well, and I know what things can upset or irritate them, so I can adjust the situation so that those irritants aren't happening or aren't a problem. It's certainly much easier to have tweaked things beforehand, than to have people upset and then work through that with them. Just like with the dogs, often no one knows that I'm doing anything, and I'm happy that everyone's life here can be a bit smoother, happier and more peaceful, and they don't need to know that things needed to be smoothed out. The added benefit of this is that I'm getting so much better at smoothing things out for myself rather than just accepting whatever happens, so everyone, including myself, is having a more comfortable life.

Chocolate and what to do on tough days

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday. The kids and I had a quiet morning at home, playing lego, pokemon, a couple of iPad games, then we met my parents for lunch at the Yarra Valley Chocolaterie, which is less than 5km from our place. Dad had invited the kids to his birthday lunch but not told them where it was, so it was a pleasant surprise for them to arrive at the chocolate factory. We started with our usual spoonful of free chocolate chips, and the kids had a bit of a run around in the maze then came back and did some colouring in while we waited for our food. The kids had kids pizzas and I had a delicious potato and herb pizza and a big iced chocolate (which LiAM drank most of - I think he enjoyed the taste more than I did, it was a bit too sweet for me). After we'd eaten LiAM took Grandad out to the maze to have a race, then all the kids took him down to the wetlands to have a look at the water. Mum and I wandered through the vegetable garden, which I hadn't seen before. It inspired me to keep going with growing herbs and to get more of a range (mum gave me several herb plants for christmas, so I'm getting back into gardening again, slowly). After everyone joined us in the garden we went back inside and the girls got some takeaway ice cream, and LiAM got a very yummy chocolate brownie with ice cream. I got a box of chocolate frogs to share and to help raise money to save the Southern Corroboree Frog from extinction.

Millie in the vegetable garden after racing me to the end of the path

Back home the kids continued their lego game and also played outside when it wasn't raining. I played on the iPad with Millie for a while then had a nap as I was very sleepy. Tony came home just as I was waking up, then Mum and Dad called in to pick up something. I had a cup of tea with them and the kids enjoyed seeing them twice in a day, and especially at home, being able to show them christmas presents and other new things we've done or made or bought (especially our new camping chairs). After they'd left I had a bath and read my book (Raising My Voice by Malalai Joya) while Tony cooked tea. We watched the T20 game on TV (we'd planned to watch the Asia Cup soccer match but it wasn't on live) and the kids played more of their lego game.

During the day I'd read an article online that bothered me and I wasn't sure what to do about it (this happens a bit). It was written by a mother who had had a bad day with her kids, and they'd been angry with her, and it seemed she was writing to get support for the way she'd handled it. Articles and conversations like this can upset me because the general comments usually are along the lines of  'Don't worry, you're doing a great job, kids have it too easy these days, nobody is perfect, sometimes we need to be mean so that they learn...' etc. I think it's very easy then for parents to not take responsibility for their own actions, and not try to do better. What I think is that yes, we do all have bad days and make mistakes when dealing with our kids. And if I do or say something that upsets my children, I don't want to defend that, nor do I want anyone else to tell me it's ok. I want to stop and look at how I handled it, and see what other choices I could have made. Was there a way I could have helped us all be more peaceful? Did I react quickly without knowing the whole story? Did I consider everyone else's feelings and needs in the moment or only my own? Is there a way I could have said what I wanted to say more gently or at a more appropriate time? Are people tired, hungry, thirsty and just need a bit of nurturing to calm everyone down? Is what I'm upset about really a problem, or is it something that I could look at a different way? Every day I want to be striving towards more peace and more togetherness, working as a team to make my family happy and strong and peaceful - and obviously as the parent I have a stronger role in that than the kids do. They are learning to be more peaceful and to think of others, and the best way for them to learn that is to see it modelled by their parents. I'm trying this year to see the positive side in every thing that happens and to feel gratitude more and more, so despite feeling uncomfortable initially about the article I read, I am grateful for the reminder it gave me - to be more mindful of my own behaviour around my kids (and others), and when I make a mistake, to apologise, not defend myself. To work towards peace, not towards being right. One moment, one interaction at a time, and aiming to keep getting better.