Chocolate and what to do on tough days

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday. The kids and I had a quiet morning at home, playing lego, pokemon, a couple of iPad games, then we met my parents for lunch at the Yarra Valley Chocolaterie, which is less than 5km from our place. Dad had invited the kids to his birthday lunch but not told them where it was, so it was a pleasant surprise for them to arrive at the chocolate factory. We started with our usual spoonful of free chocolate chips, and the kids had a bit of a run around in the maze then came back and did some colouring in while we waited for our food. The kids had kids pizzas and I had a delicious potato and herb pizza and a big iced chocolate (which LiAM drank most of - I think he enjoyed the taste more than I did, it was a bit too sweet for me). After we'd eaten LiAM took Grandad out to the maze to have a race, then all the kids took him down to the wetlands to have a look at the water. Mum and I wandered through the vegetable garden, which I hadn't seen before. It inspired me to keep going with growing herbs and to get more of a range (mum gave me several herb plants for christmas, so I'm getting back into gardening again, slowly). After everyone joined us in the garden we went back inside and the girls got some takeaway ice cream, and LiAM got a very yummy chocolate brownie with ice cream. I got a box of chocolate frogs to share and to help raise money to save the Southern Corroboree Frog from extinction.

Millie in the vegetable garden after racing me to the end of the path

Back home the kids continued their lego game and also played outside when it wasn't raining. I played on the iPad with Millie for a while then had a nap as I was very sleepy. Tony came home just as I was waking up, then Mum and Dad called in to pick up something. I had a cup of tea with them and the kids enjoyed seeing them twice in a day, and especially at home, being able to show them christmas presents and other new things we've done or made or bought (especially our new camping chairs). After they'd left I had a bath and read my book (Raising My Voice by Malalai Joya) while Tony cooked tea. We watched the T20 game on TV (we'd planned to watch the Asia Cup soccer match but it wasn't on live) and the kids played more of their lego game.

During the day I'd read an article online that bothered me and I wasn't sure what to do about it (this happens a bit). It was written by a mother who had had a bad day with her kids, and they'd been angry with her, and it seemed she was writing to get support for the way she'd handled it. Articles and conversations like this can upset me because the general comments usually are along the lines of  'Don't worry, you're doing a great job, kids have it too easy these days, nobody is perfect, sometimes we need to be mean so that they learn...' etc. I think it's very easy then for parents to not take responsibility for their own actions, and not try to do better. What I think is that yes, we do all have bad days and make mistakes when dealing with our kids. And if I do or say something that upsets my children, I don't want to defend that, nor do I want anyone else to tell me it's ok. I want to stop and look at how I handled it, and see what other choices I could have made. Was there a way I could have helped us all be more peaceful? Did I react quickly without knowing the whole story? Did I consider everyone else's feelings and needs in the moment or only my own? Is there a way I could have said what I wanted to say more gently or at a more appropriate time? Are people tired, hungry, thirsty and just need a bit of nurturing to calm everyone down? Is what I'm upset about really a problem, or is it something that I could look at a different way? Every day I want to be striving towards more peace and more togetherness, working as a team to make my family happy and strong and peaceful - and obviously as the parent I have a stronger role in that than the kids do. They are learning to be more peaceful and to think of others, and the best way for them to learn that is to see it modelled by their parents. I'm trying this year to see the positive side in every thing that happens and to feel gratitude more and more, so despite feeling uncomfortable initially about the article I read, I am grateful for the reminder it gave me - to be more mindful of my own behaviour around my kids (and others), and when I make a mistake, to apologise, not defend myself. To work towards peace, not towards being right. One moment, one interaction at a time, and aiming to keep getting better.

Best Halloween Ever

(I wrote this post the day after Halloween but was having internet problems and didn't get it past draft stage - then remembered this morning that I hadn't published it yet)

As fun as last year's Halloween celebrations were, the kids have been saying since then that this year they would like to go trick-or-treating in town. I knew that some of their friends had done it in the past, and I'd seen kids in costumes going from door to door in our local town on Halloween over the last couple of years, so I knew that some households at least wouldn't be overly surprised by a knock on the door by costumed kids.

As the day drew closer they talked about it on and off and were definitely keen to go. We were all sick in the week leading up to Halloween so I did wonder if the idea would fizzle out. Liam realised early in the day that it was Halloween (he must have seen ads on TV saying that it would be on Thursday, and was counting down in his head) so we watched some Halloween themed TV shows and Caitlin started thinking about her costume.

Caitlin went with a similar outfit to last year, although by this time I had found the cool witches hat (it had been hiding under my bed) and she had a great black dress and black boots to round off the costume. Liam was a dragon again and Millie a ghost again. Tony came with us into town as I wasn't feeling well enough to manage it by myself. Caitlin had gone to a friend's house for the afternoon so we picked her up, she got changed in the car and we were ready to go.

Caitlin and Liam were quite confident knocking on doors and saying 'Trick or Treat' (although next year they are going to say 'Happy Halloween') and most people who were home had a basket of lollies for them to choose from. Millie was a bit slower (and after a couple of houses Tony modified her costume so she could get her arms out and the eye holes didn't slip away from her eyes, and tied the front of it up so she could walk up steps) - if she didn't make it to a front door Caitlin always let the person know that her sister was coming and could she have something for her too.

We saw about 6 other groups of kids out in costume as well, and there was quite a party feel to the evening. We just did a couple of local streets, and it was much more fun than I'd expected. The kids went to the doors and we stood back where we could see them, lots of other parents were doing the same thing and it felt like a community experience.

Millie was the only ghost that we saw and Liam the only dragon - and one lady pointed out that Caitlin was the only witch with gold hair - so they came home feeling that their costumes were pretty special.

Each of them received a decent haul of lollies and on the way home Liam said that it was the 'Best Halloween Ever'. They've been slowly working through their stash, there's still a bit left, and they've traded things they don't like with the others, or kept some to give to friends.

We also looked up the history of Trick-or-treating and quite liked the idea that originally kids were given sweets or cakes in return for singing songs or saying prayers for the dead. We've been thinking about the dead this week with the anniversary of Tony's Mum's death, and we sent our thoughts out for the loved ones of the people we approached on Halloween, so it feels like we are tapping in to that old tradition.

Birthday Party Week

We've been home from Tasmania just over a week now and its been a rather busy week - although on the whole we're all still quite relaxed from our holiday.

We arrived home early on the Friday morning before Liam's birthday, which was on the Sunday. Friday we spent relaxing, unpacking a bit, and some friends came over for the afternoon and brought Stripey back. Saturday I spent fixing the washing machine and dishwasher which had both decided to have their own holiday, and then getting organised for Liam's party.

Sunday we woke up and did Liam's present giving in the lounge room. Caitlin gave him a wooden cat (to match Millie's) and a ceramic dragon. Tony and I gave him a Tasmanian Devil puzzle, a toy lemur (not Schleich, but a similar brand) and an iPod Touch - exactly what he wanted. I'd loaded his favourite games on it so he was entertained for the morning while we finished party preparations.

Liam and his Lemur

Liam and his iPod

At midday we met his friends at Healesville Sanctuary, as well as Fi and James and Mum and Dad. Everyone had a picnic lunch, then I put out party food and the kids played in a large grassed area near the dingo enclosure. We played Pass the Parcel (Tony and I played the drums for music) and Liam (without us looking) won the main prize so he was pretty happy. Liam's presents included lego, a craft kit, a magician figurine, animal books, a vial of gold, and a Schleich dinosaur (velociraptor).

Liam's birthday cake

Eventually we packed up and went for a walk around part of the Sanctuary - we had 13 adults and 13 children there so we were quite a group. We did the wetland walk, the lyrebirds (a couple of us saw the male lyrebird singing), the reptiles and the parrots. We'd invited everyone back to our house because Liam had a piñata waiting - most of his friends came back (actually all our homeschooling friends). The kids played outside for a while then the piñata called - it was shaped like a crocodile and very cool. The tail soon came off and everyone was able to whack it and get a few lollies - and the rest of the body survived so Liam was able to keep it! Everyone stayed and played for a few hours and one the guests provided some dinner so it was a very relaxing afternoon and evening.

Liam's turn

Liam and the piñata

We were back into our usual routine through the week, with ABA, gymnastics, joey scouts, homeschool gymnastics and guides to go along to. In between Liam did a lot of the craft from his birthday kit, we watched tv and read a lot of books, played games, played with the animals (real and toy and imaginary), went to the library a couple of times and went to friends' houses.

On Friday we had Millie's birthday party. It was almost exactly the same group of people as we'd had here on Sunday - Fi and James couldn't make it and we had one other local family come along - otherwise it was Mum and Dad and 4 other homeschooling families. It was a very casual party, the kids (aged from 2 to 10 and an even mix of boys and girls) played inside and outside, with lego, craft, toys animals, on the trampoline and swings, listening to music, looking for our real animals in the yard etc. We had a beautiful cake and Millie's presents included art and craft supplies, a game, books and a felt board with a pet shop scene. Tony had finished work early, it being a Friday, so he was able to be here for most of it. A few of the families stayed for dinner and by this stage some of the kids were playing Minecraft on the computer and they kept us up to date with their new discoveries - playing as a social group they can explore and discover much more quickly than on their own, they really work well together.

In the midst of the evening part of the party Tony took Liam to Chirnside Park for him to go to the movies with his Joey Scout group - they saw Monsters University and Liam was very excited to go without any other family members, and to be able to buy his own snack to eat and drink there. There were still people here when he got back so he also didn't feel like he'd missed out on the party.

The other mothers (and one dad for a while) and I had a great chat sitting in the kitchen, it was a very easy party to get ready for and a very relaxing one while it was taking place.

Yesterday we had a visit from Pete and Cynthia who are staying at Mum and Dad's for the weekend - great to see them and Liam was thrilled because he'd wanted his uncle Pete to come to his birthday party but we'd left it too late to organise. They'd just visited the chocolate factory and came with gifts - giant chocolate freckles for the kids and a chocolate making kit and fondue set for the family. The kids enjoyed showing Pete all their lego (he was the first one to buy us any lego so he kind of has a vested interest) and the animals and their tree climbing skills, and I loved having a casual chat - we haven't had many opportunities to just visit each other over the last 20 years or so - hopefully we can do it more often.

Today Caitlin is going to an archery day with guides, and we have some friends coming over this afternoon while their mother has something else on.  So another social day coming up and looks like this coming week will be quite busy as well - although its the last week of term so then there will be a change in our rhythm for a couple of weeks after that.

The view out my window this morning as I wrote this blog post on a chilly morning of -5 C

Paying Attention

I was reminded this morning that taking a moment to find out more information (and not making assumptions) can make a big difference to the outcome of an interaction. 

I was using the laptop and Liam had been sitting next to me using the ipad, showing me what he was building and discovering on Minecraft. (And I'm constantly amazed at what he's doing on Minecraft - I had a go when I downloaded it and I couldn't figure out how to do anything, he's picked it up and learnt so much in only a week or so - and yesterday he showed me the highest mountain in his world, which he has named Mt Everest - I didn't know that he knew about Mt Everest!)

I'd gotten up out of my chair for some reason, and when I came back and sat down, he climbed into my lap and put the ipad on the keyboard of the laptop. I said 'that's not going to work' so he picked it up, but I still couldn't see over his head or easily reach the keyboard so that I could comfortably use the computer. I was initially frustrated and wanted to just move him off my lap so I could do MY stuff... but I breathed for a minute and explained that he was so big now that I couldn't see if his head was in front of me like that, and I suggested that he move back to the chair he had been in, but that I'd bring it closer to mine (cos I assumed that he was in my lap because he wanted to be close to me physically). He said 'but I need to be near the charger!' - which was on the other side of me to where he'd been sitting - so then I was able to plug the ipad in to the charger, put him on my chair, and move the laptop over to where he had been sitting, and we were both happy.

It was only a brief interaction but it could have turned into frustration so easily - however  because I'd been able to listen to what he wanted rather than jumping to my own conclusions and enacting my initial solution, we were able to be joyfully together and both have our needs met quite easily.